Snow. And I'm not talking about Phoebe.

(who is Phoebe Snow?)

Manfriend got his video game five minutes after it's release. That's right. We were among the geekazoids showing up at Game Stop at midnight. As expected, I was the only lady in sight, which is completely fine with me. I'm glad to make manfriend look good among his demographic. "He plays video games AND has a girlfriend?! Whhoooa."

RawkNoozTyme!
Slash stopped by the Marshall booth at this year's National Association of Music Merchants show to promote his custom designed amplifier that will be hitting the market later this year. The new Marshall AFD100 amp claims to recreate the fabled 100-watt JCM2203 that Guns N' Roses used to record their seminal 1987 debut album, Appetite for Destruction. "That amp has been subject to a lot of talk of the years," Slash told Guitarist magazine.

Also, the Scorpions have revealed that they will be retiring after one more trek out on the road that is expected to span over the next few years. The German metal legends will take their final bow at the end of their upcoming world tour in support of their forthcoming album, Sting in the Tail. The band made the announcement on its website, saying that all of the band members agree that "we have reached the end of the road" and that "we want you, our fans, to be the first to know . . ."

It's picture day!

Don't mind me, I'm just a sea-horse on my way to the beach.
This is about as funny as three-hundred catpennies.
Do not look into laser with remaining eye.
Beef.
The REAL reason T-Rex went extinct.

Peace and ?

Mass Effect

So, I have to buy a video game tonight at midnight for the manfriend. He has been giddy as a sci-fi school girl for about three days and I'm about to place him in a glass case of emotion with my fist. He says the game will be "mind-poopingly awesome." I'm not sure how I feel about the 'mind-poopingly' part, but I'll agree that it's probably gonna be pretty awesome.

On the forefront of R4wk N3wz... Heart have just been added to the line-up of artists set to perform at Lilith Fair 2010. The female music festival will make its big comeback after an 11-year hiatus with stops in 15 new cities and other newly announced performers, including Loretta Lynn, Norah Jones, Gossip and Cat Power. "When I first started out, they said girl singers couldn't sell records or concert tickets," Lynn said in a statement. "We've come a long way since then . . ."

Also, while his bandmates are going ahead with auditions for a replacement singer, Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler made a surprise appearance at a pub this week to sing karaoke. This marked his first public appearance since checking into rehab for prescription drug abuse. At the bar, Tyler initially said he wasn't going to sing, but eventually took to the stage for a rendition of "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing." The event's organizer told The Desert Sun the star was "very kind."

So, this is super ridiculous. A school in Southern California is banning the Merriam-Webster Dictionary because it has the definition of oral-sex. E-GAD! A definition?! Heaven forbid the most non-biased, objective documentation to EXPLAIN something to a curious on-looker! Here's the article.

Think your beard it amazing? Try THIS one on for size...

House Phone out of order

I guess that's enough. Have fun!

peace and more snow?

Tuesday 1.19.10

Radio blog is down again today. Proceed.

RawkNooz: Bono is one of the celebrities set to perform at George Clooney's Hope for Haiti Telethon on Friday. The U2 frontman will be joined by Justin Timberlake, Alicia Keys, Christina Aguilera and Sting at the event, which will take place in both Los Angeles and New York. A two-hour, commercial-free live telecast of the fundraiser will run on MTV, ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, CNN and other networks. More HERE.

Jimmy Fallon performed as Neil Young singing "Pants on the Ground"

For right now, have a kitten and a parrot.

Boink!

I've watched four seasons of "Dirty Jobs" and have fallen in love with Mike Rowe. Every time I hear his voice I want to buy a Ford truck and get a job cleaning gutters or something. It's good to see him speak so highly of dirty jobs everywhere.

Did you see "Avatar?" Neither did I. But with this easy-to-look-at five-panel breakdown of the movie, we can all see it with the click of the mouse!

Enough for this week. Enjoy yourself until the next one!

peace and rainy day women

Monday 1.18.10

The radio blog website is down right now, so, I'm posting here!

RawkNooz: Jimmy Page and Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry will be playing a free Show of Peace concert this spring in Beijing, China. The entire Aerosmith clan was also reported to be appearing at the event, though the band's official fan club - AeroForceOne - says the rumors are false. The Black Eyed Peas are also set to appear at the event. The show is set to be televised globally on April 17.

Also, Van Morrison is facing a possible paternity test. Samantha Branch, a 42-year-old U.K. woman, is reportedly demanding a test to prove whether the singer is her father. According to U.K. newspaper the Daily Mail, Branch's mother, Dee, was Morrison's road manager and allegedly lived with the singer in the mid-1960s. She died in 1967, four months after Samantha was born. No father was named on the birth certificate

You can get a number, but what is your LEVEL of sleep skill?

How about some pure awesomeness?

from Arrested Development.. OOOh Michael and women?!

That's enough for today.

Volunteering

Working at Skyline is slowly stripping me of my intellect, so I have decided to start volunteering at a radio station to keep my head in the game. I will be on the air Sundays 9-noon and Mon/Tues 12-3. I will be going by the name "Holly Berry" and it will be neato! The website is under construction and will be relaunched here soon, but if you want to access it anyway you can just go to www.classxradio.com (or the relaunch site at www.classxradio.com/Goyer)

The station is pretty awesome... as it is based and operated out of Bill Spry's basement in Monroe. Just awesome. It is considered a classic rock station, but it is really considered an AOR station, which stands for "Album Oriented Rock." The difference between classic rock and AOR is that one focuses on hit singles while the other focuses more on the deep cuts and the songs you haven't heard as much. For example, you will hear "Money" by Pink Floyd five times on the Fox in one day while on an AOR station you might hear "the Great Gig in the Sky" or "Time" once in a week. Basically, AOR is out to highlight the greatness that is rock-n-roll while classic rock stations are out to bastardize this once great genre. We can only hear Tom Petty's "American Girl" once in a while, not once an hour.

So it's a non-profit station that will hopefully be a for-profit station in the near future, but Bill Spry is trying to establish his range first, and he's doing a pretty awesome job. He already has 4 transmitter sites that range from SE Indiana to SW Ohio to Northern Kentucky. It's pretty sweet. Not to mention, he has a 5000watt antenna in his back yard. FRICKIN AWESOME. He operates his own computer software company out of his house and the program we use (called "Raduga") in the station is his baby. He wrote it and is currently facilitating it in the radio station he runs out of his basement. The guy is a genius and he knows it. There's a whole history of his success with this station on the website, you should definitely read it. It's very interesting and will give you insight on the progress he is making. It's definitely something I could see myself doing someday, and this is a perfect start for me.

Anyhoo, it's exciting and it's keeping my head out of Skyline too much. I have restored some of my self esteem and my life is picking up a little bit. And even though I'm not getting paid by this station it is still my dream to do the best job I possibly can. Time to go.

Peace and floor grease

New Ideas a-Brewin'

Since working solely at Skyline, I've been daydreaming a lot. Lots of "what if's" and "when this happens"... Lots of Netflix. Got a new laptop; it's pretty tasty. My new picture was taken on its webcam. It takes some pretty alright pictures, considering it's built in. It's a Toshiba, is black and shiney, and the keyboard is really good for little hands, of which I have TWO. I wish I were smart enough to remember the specifics about this computer, like how much RAM or Gs it has... or perhaps how much memory it has. I think I know more than your average person, but it must be realized that computers are really made for stupid people, hence Window's excellent user friendliness. Someone who knows NOTHING about computers could easy pick up one like this and go to town without a problem. Everything is built-in, and the wireless mouse connects ultra fast. I LOVE IT.

Nothing really new lately... just working a lot. Looking for a better job. I'm hoping for something like a receptionist, something easy that I have actually apply my degree to. I know I want to be in radio, but I realize that the job climate is tough and radio is one of the industries that has been hit quite hard. Lots of bankruptcies, mergers and corporate takeovers. Yunno... the usual. I'm not really in a hurry to be in radio for the rest of my life. I don't really know how far I want to go in it, and really, being a receptionist would be a perfectly good job for someone like me. Organized, friendly, computer literate, and pay attention to detail. Oh yea, I have a college degree too. That's pretty important. GAH! I don't have much to write about.

I went to Chicago with my Dad to visit Adam for his 27th Birthday. It was alright. Of course the City itself was beautiful and my dad and I had a good time ourselves. Things got a little too "normal" when we met up with Adam. We argued, things got stupid and lame. It was an old fashioned Schroeder Family Confrontation. Usually has an excellent turn-out. I just hope something clicked in Adam's head and something changes. His attitude just sucks. anyhoo......

peace and Spaceballs

Oh yea--- I want to start writing radio dramas. Ideas are welcome.

My LAST Sunday Radio Update: The Burn Victim

Today is a sad day. It is my last day at WHIO and means more hours at Skyline. I am very sad to be leaving my radio job because I have been here for two and a half years. I learned more in my first week than I did my entire college career about radio and the industry. I would love to remain an employee within the industry, but it is proving quite difficult in my particular city during these particularly poor financial times. I'll find a new job, hopefully this year. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'm just glad I left on good terms and my boss will give me a great reference. Wish me luck....

More hours at Skyline means bigger paychecks, and I'm always a fan of money. My boss said I would be getting a raise here pretty soon, so I'm excited about that too. It will take the sting off of the more painful days.

Speaking of painful, I burned the crap out of my (right) arm the other day while making chili. It was quite an unfortunate accident... I knew I was going to be sitting down to talk with my boss, so I threw on a new cube of chili (just add water.. mmm!) and left it to cook. Well, that's not really the "proper" way to cook chili, because you're suppost to stir it every five minutes when it's on high until it's done (which is really only 15-20 minutes). I didn't stir it until I was done talking to my boss 30 minutes later. I went to take the lid off the kettle and POOF the steam seared the skin on my wrist in an area the size of a small potato. Despite its small size, it hurts like hell. I was sent home from work and got to visit urgent care down the street. They gave me vicotin! and MAN-O-MAN am I glad. I've been having quite a rough time dealing with this.. thing. It pisses me off because it won't heal fast enough, it gets in the way of everything, it hurts off and on, it throbs when I walk and sway my arms to the sides so I have to hold it up like I have an invisible sling, and the way I sleep fucks up the bandages so I wake up in excruciating pain because the gauze has pulled my skin in all directions. Yummmy. I guess this is why second-degree burns are usually avoided by most people.

I've been thinking about my brother Sam a lot lately. I really miss him being around. We became quite the pals during college, and now that he's across the nation I wish he were here. Of course missing him doesn't compare to the missing of my mom, but it's almost easier to deal with someone being gone in death than it is with someone you just don't get to see that often. He is supposed to be workingon a feature in Indiana this April, so maybe he will venture on over to SW Ohio to see his family... that would be awesome. It's a little lonely with just me and my dad. I miss Adam too, but in a completely different and almost weird way.

I don't feel Adam has been himself since before my mom died. He was dating a girl for about a year before my mom died, and it was this relationship that made him different. She was the daughter of a preacher, so it brought God into his life in the wrong way. I believe he reclaimed his faith for a little while, but after my mom died, he and the girl broke up and his enthusiasm for life slipped away. He lost his mom and his confidant, and he definitely didn't (and still doesn't) share the same relationship with our dad. I feel like he resents our dad for the anger presented before the divorce. I remember vividly one night Adam got into a heated argument with my parents about who knows what, and he stormed out of the house after yelling "Fuck you!." He was about 13, making Sam 11 and me 9. Sam and I tried to avoid the conflict and went back in my bedroom to hold each other and cry. My dad brought to my attention last night that Adam still behaves this way, getting into heated arguments and storming out of the house. He's 27 now and WELLLLL beyond the age to be acting that way. I honestly don't understand him, and I miss him. I just wish he could be "normal" for once.... stop being so angry at life... get a girlfriend or something. He obviously can't make himself happy, he might as well get a companion to help him out. Not saying it's some random girl's responsibility to being my brother out of the dark, just saying Adam needs something else to focus his energy on besides how pathetic his own life is.

My wrist hurts, so I'm gonna go do better things than type.

peace and pain

My Art as of Late...

So, I have some pictures of my latest paintings. They're nothing special, but they're mine and I like 'em! This first one will be going to my best fwiend, Amanda. It was my first attempt at painting straight lines and mixing colors one after the other. I think the coolest part is that they're all done in water-color and still come out so vibrant. That makes me a happy Holly.


This one is probably my favorite... I think I'm giving it to Rachelle, or possibly some variation of the design. I really like the frame. I got it from the Goodwill store right down the street here in Loveland. I had to dissect the back of it because it was covered in brown paper and was filled with various cardboards, but it only cost me $4. So I think was a fair investment.

This one is for my friend Emily... after I told her that first one was already taken, she said she wanted the same thing in blue and green... I hope I fulfilled her wishes. If not, she can kiss my butt because I worked on that thing for HOURS. But I think she'll like it. She's not very picky.

Checking In

Back at the radio station for my two-week broadcasting injection. As soon as I'm done checking my favorite blogs and writing this I will be looking for a new radio job. I don't want anything spectacular, just something down in Cincinnati. I want to produce more than anything, but I would take any on-air position as well.

Good things are coming, I can feel it in my bones. Maybe not for a couple months, but it's coming. I feel like this is going to be a good year for me because I really have the rest of my life to decide what I want to do with it and my head is racing with opportunity. Of course there is the possibility that a little family may pop up in the next decade (mostly because if I have kids I don't want to be 40 raising infants).

My feelings are very torn about working for Skyline again, mostly just at this particular store. I really enjoy being a manager when I'm the only manager on duty because I have fun, the staff underneath me has fun, and we run the store the way it should be run: efficiently. I like all the employees for the most part, and I get along with everyone very well. I've been told by several people that they enjoy working with me as their manager because I help them and direct them, the way a manager should. Customers appreciate my courtesy and I do a pretty good job with keeping them satisfied. The problem is the upper management.

My GM couldn't give two shits less about his job, made apparent by the way he conducts himself as the on-duty manager. I will walk in the door at 3pm and he (with the rest of the staff) will be sitting down at the break table, all the while the steam table is a mess, nothing is stocked, and he doesn't make sure those staff members who are off after lunch do their own out-work. Also from a customers' stand-point, this makes the store look like it's poorly ran if everyone is sitting down when you walk in the door. I'm left with the mess and the responsibility to deal with it. So while his behavior sets the course, his assistant does the same thing and the rest of the staff follows. That makes it incredibly difficult for me to say "this needs to change" because I'm just an hourly shift supervisor having nothing to do with setting the standards for the rest of the store. This is not to say that everyone would be working like dogs without breaks to the end of their shift no questions asked if I set the rules, this is to say that my boss is making a large mistake in leading his store in this direction. It's just irresponsible and careless, and in my eyes incredibly demeaning to the name of Skyline Chili. I'm not all gung-ho about Skyline Chili, nor would I care if the place burned down and went bankrupt tomorrow, but when you come to work there are certain expectations of you. And if you can't muster enough work ethic to do the job, leave it to someone else who will. Skyline has the reputation of "Cincinnati Chili" and it gives me a little pride to be part of something that grew from the city I grew up in. I could run that store and generate so many more sales than this guy, and it almost breaks my heart to see someone give up like that. He's cheap, so he won't cough up the corporate dough to fix the things that are broken, which cuts into the efficiency and inevitably makes the product suffer. He doesn't make sure new-hires are properly trained, so the majority of the production staff doesn't know how to make food the way it's supposed to be made (every menu item has a specific ouncage of ingredients, the utensils are to be held a certain way, and when customers come to Skyline they expect continuity in the product). It's not hard to make food correctly, it's just hard to re-train someone how to do it right after they have been doing it wrong for so long. I would love to re-train everyone on food and have them read the manual and/or watch the videos. I know they're boring and awful, but they help a lot just by reiterating the proper procedures. When I was promoted to management at my last store I had to watch all the videos (serving, food production, and drive-thru), re-take all the tests, and I had to go through a whole 'nother interview process. I didn't mind it and it actually strengthened my food-making and customer service skills. It also didn't take long (maybe a day) and it prepared me to teach these skills to the other employees. If we could get everyone to watch those videos I think sales and the staff morale would noticeably increase. I also think that if my GM established these requirements and put more effort into his work he could regain some respect he has obviously lost from his staff.

But who am I to say anything? I'm afraid I wouldn't be taken seriously and would come off as condascending. I try not to think of myself as 'better' than any other human being by giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I feel this store is doomed for failure if some things don't change. Should I talk to him? Should I talk to anyone? Or should I just put up with it and stay on course with finding a new job?

I feel pretty good right now, thanks to my last dose of aderol. Can you believe they prescribe this stuff to kids with ADD and ADHD?! I hate the FDA. They will approve ANYTHING if they can get a buck out of it and get their name on it. There's a diet pill commercial hosted by that one chick who lost a bunch of weight a while back, and one of her lines kills me.. "I trust it because it's FDA approved." THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING! It just means they read the product description and gave it a thumbs-up because the recommended dose doesn't seem deadly. Sure! Give overweight Bob heart medicine for his palpitations! Don't encourage a healthy lifestyle and give Bob a real chance to live into his prime, the FDA won't make any money that way! They're not advocates of health, they're advocates of substance abuse and bad habits. Ugh.

SO about a little over a year ago Joey was driving my car. He accidentally hit a curb and lost the wheel cover for my right front tire. I got a little agitated with him because I entrusted him with my brand-new vehicle, but it was really just a cosmetic detail that could easily be looked over. Why else do I need a wheel cover than to match the other three? None whatsoever. So two weeks ago I came home from work and Joey says "You wouldn't believe what I found leaning against the front door when I got home." He pointed down and there leaning against the wall was a wheel cover to a VW! We went outside to see if it would, in fact, match the others and wouldn't you know... it matched! We sat in the living room scratching our heads for a good half hour wondering where it came from and we still don't know today. We have been making up stories about who could have left it and their motives behind it, but of course they are all pretty preposterous and we're OK with leavning it a complete mystery. I took my car in for its 30,000 mile check-up last Wednesday and I told the service lady my story. She too was completely taken aback, asking all the appropriate questions that Joey and I asked ourselves within that first half hour of our discovery. She and my dad like to believe it was my guardian angel. I like to believe it was the guy upstairs who I've never seen and drives a VW-GTi, which is basically the same car. Maybe he has a relative that owned or he owned another VW and just happened to have a spare part and saw that I needed it? Maybe it's the girl, who is friends with my neighbor Corey, who also drives a VW? Maybe my car has a radio transmitter that sends out a certain frequency to its parts, causing them to "come alive" if separated, and it just took this long for it to roll home? That last one is much cooler than the other possible scenarios... I think I'll stick with that one.

Rachelle has hired me to design the props for her winter color-guard performance this season. It's kind-of exciting because I've never designed anything on such a large scale for so many people to see. I've been getting crafty lately, so it's really pulling out my creativity. Even though I used the album art for a reference and basically copied most of the lettering, I still feel like I can call it my own because I'm putting the effort into piecing it together. I am my mother's daughter. I wouldn't even mind becoming a designer like she was. Maybe not graphics on a computer (to me, it almost takes away the personal touch of the artist), but rather on a physical canvas for home decor like framed paintings, furniture detailing and murals. I would even love being an interior designer. Why do I have to be good at so many things?! It gives me limitless opportunities but makes it difficult to focus on just one thing! Have you ever met someone who complained that they were good at too many things? I haven't... I usually encounter more of the exact opposite, people not able to pin-point anything they're good at. Maybe I'm just that open minded that I can see myself filling any position successfully? I don't want to seem full of myself, I'm just confident in my skills. It's weird how motivation perpetuates itself. You get good at doing something, which motivates you to do more, which increases your skills, which continues to motivate you to do more and so on. Maybe I should become a motivational speaker? hahaha... that would be the day.

This is becoming entirely too long, but I can't seem to stop getting good thoughts. It's my blog, I say what I want! But seriously, I'm out.

peace and opportunity loom

Not Much

It's funny, I feel busy 90% of the time, yet, when it comes to writing about anything in my life I draw a complete blank. I feel like "nothing" is going on and "nothing" has changed, but I guess that's just because I'm living it every day. I'm slowly untangling my dreads and my hair is soo long. I've lost all of my croche needles (I use them to pick my hair apart), so it's going to be a challenge to pull the rest out unless I take a trip to the Hobby Lobby. I hate that store.... it's like "Meijer: the Craft Store." You need a single pad of paper? Walk back to aisle 37, tell the hunting troll the password "needle-nose pliers" and he'll take you to the basement, dominate the labarynth, the 16th door on the left of the mouse with no teeth is paper, but the trip back will be tricky-- you need an old-lady disguise and four pairs of shoes under the size of a 6 men's. Do 13 jumping-jax, stand on your head, and run back through the labarynth. Once you've popped the 40 bubbles of shame, you may purchase your pad of paper at register 6 behind Betty, the silver fox who makes a weekly trip to buy 32 different boquets of fake flowers, while registers 1-5/7-23 will be closed 23 of the 24 hours the store is open. Ugh. But of course, I exaggerate and no store experience is NEARLY that easy. It only took us twenty minutes to buy milk, cheese, popcorn, and soup from Meijer: The Eternal Crusade last night, not counting the trek across the vast, windy parking lot. Oh well.

I miss having a dishwasher. I don't miss having to pay for water, but I definitely miss being able to load it up, put in the soap, turn the knob and let it whirl. These days, since we both work such weird sporatic hours, the dishes just tend to overflow out of the sink onto the counter and sometimes the stove. Call us lazy, but when we get home from our crappy jobs the last thing we want to do is an ass-load of dishes. I'm very glad we don't have kids, car payments, a mortgage... because I think we would be TERRIBLE at keeping up with all of it at this time in our lives. I take that back-- we wouldn't be terrible at it, we would just be stressed-out and pissed-off all the time, and that's not something I want to deal with. I had enough of that in high school and college.

I'm working at the radio station this morning and I'm trying to pass the time. What else can I talk about? I can't think of anything........ maybe more later.

peace and empty

KK:P2

I'm so angry right now I don't know where to start.

We were on our way home from a post-xmas get together with the Davis family ("we" included my dad, my brother and myself). My dad asked me how my friend was doing, referring to a couple years ago when this friend was still going through some maturity issues and it caused somewhat of a rift in the friendship for a minute. I was explaining that since then she has grown up a little bit after getting an apartment on her own and learning some valuable life lessons (of course now she is living back with her parents, but that is a temporary situation because she's saving up for the Peace Corps). I also went on to say that though she made those improvements, there are still some characteristics that get on my nerves at times. Despite those certain characteristics I keep her as one of my best friends because I love her like a sister. But I don't have to love every single characteristic of this girl in order to be great friends with her, in fact, I believe those differing characteristics shape what it is that we like about each other. While talking to my dad I also commented on how impressed I am with how cool my little cousin is turning out to be. When she was littler, she was weird enough in my opinion (and others) that caused genuine concern about her. I thought for a while that she may be autistic or had some learning or anxiety disabilities. These things I deduced from watching how she interacted with the rest of the family on the occasions we actually got together. She acted severely out of place and made noises without words at the ages of 7 and 8. She only pointed at things and didn't really speak much, except to her mom, which was still only in little quiet conversations. When we visited them tonight, she came in and sat with the rest of us and talked about her art. She has been drawing horses for several years and she is becoming quite the artist. This is really cool to me considering I thought something might have been off in the past. She has a little craft table in their living room and she plays video games. That's awesome!

So part of this conversation with my dad was about both my friend and my cousin. In the middle of it all, my brother had to interject. He never mentioned my cousin until way later after I left my dad's, so we'll leave her out of it for now. So he asks me why I'm being so negative towards my friend? and If those are such negative characteristics about my friend why am I still friends with her? and Even a good friend would adapt to those negative characteristics for the sake of holding together the relationship. and that THIS is one thing he doesn't like about me, that I talk about the same thing for 20 minutes at a time. He's insulting me in front of my dad and I'm slightly embarrassed because he's not allowing me to explain myself. (This is why it's hard to explain to a Christian why I'm an atheist... they won't shut the fuck up and listen for a second to understand what I'm saying... he came out of nowhere to $$insult me and didn't know what he was talking about. it pissed me off.) So the conversation became quite heated and my dad cut in to suggest we talk about something else. I wasn't done and neither was my brother. We kept saying things and it just kept getting worse, so I finally followed my dad's request and changed the subject. I didn't talk to my brother all the way to my dad's house, didn't talk to him when we got there, and didn't say goodbye when I left to go home.

I sent him a text saying he had no right to say those things to me, especially in front of my dad, that I was upset and embarrassed. He sent one back saying he was sorry and thought what I was saying about my cousin and friend was negative. That he didn't know how else to say what he wanted to say, and it ended up coming out wrong. He also said he wanted to talk, so I called him.

I began to tell him that I was not bad-mouthing my cousin and friend. I was saying how impressed I was with both of them. That I was actually complimenting them on growing up a little bit and proving me wrong of my past convictions. I told him that if he doesn't know what to say or how to say it, not to say anything at all. [This takes me back to my first couple communication classes where I learned how to begin a confrontation while also keeping it a positive experience for both parties. You can never start a confrontation by blaming someone (YOU did this... YOU didn't do that.. YOU did this wrong..etc.) because you automatically place this into a "negative" situation and the other person will react with the same tone the confrontation started out with. If you start with a positive, the person will react with a positive.]

He told me I can't make people say what I want them to.

This was not the message I was trying to send out. Isn't one of the first you learn as a child "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all"? I heard that old adage at least 100 times by the time I was 5. I think it was a pretty reasonable suggestion that he should have either shut the fuck up in the car, or made a formula of what it was exactly what he wanted to say before he said it. But I said it in a much, much nicer way. I really didn't want to be shitty with him, but he pushed my buttons the way my dad used to be so good at doing. He came off as an asshole, so it only felt natural to be as much of an asshole back. I know this is not the right thing to do in ANY conversation, but it gets frustrating to bite your tongue saying positive things only to be shit on over and over. He wanted to play the "I'm Condescending" game, and I can almost never resist the competition, especially with my brother. This is a competitive world, I am becoming very aware of lately, but that is another conversation entirely.

My voice was shaking at this moment because I didn't want to cry. I felt bad that I was basically yelling at my brother, but I desperately believe his inability to talk to people has caused him more to grieve about than any one wo/man should. I don't want to be condescending because it's something I'm trying very hard to step away from. I'm in no way a professional talker, but I would consider myself at least a couple years educated on the subject. And I'm not the only one who thinks these things about my brother, so I know I'm not crazy. My dad actually stopped me on my way out to ask if my brother's combativeness is common with me. I said it was and that it really gets on my nerves. My dad said it happens all the time with him and he doesn't know how to deal with it. We exchanged looks of awe, as neither of us know exactly what to do, and I left knowing it wasn't just me. My boyfriend also notices my brother's combative behavior, so I REALLY know it's not just me.

The end of the conversation was him saying (again) that I can't make people say what I want them to, and me saying "shut the fuck up" and hanging up. I hung up on my brother, something I haven't done before in my life. Something only shitty ex-girlfriends do to their shitty ex-boyfriends. I was pissed. He had no idea what he was talking about STILL and I was trying to explain things calmly. So I hung up.

His name showed up on the screen when he called me back a minute later. "It's me.." he said. Oh. It was my dad. So I talked to my dad for a couple minutes about why I'm so sick of my brother's bullshit and that he'll never be anywhat successful in his life if he continues to treat people the way he does. He needs to shit or get off the pot and fucking learn how to talk to people, because if he's going to play the "I'm Better Than You" game, I'm pretty sure nobody is going to play in the places he wants to go. I want to help him but he won't let me. So I'm not going to talk to him for a while until either he calls me or I think of something intelligent enough to say that helps my situation.

Joey just says "you're brother's fuckin crazy."

Why do I care if my brother is successful in his life? because if he's not, he will continue to tell me his depressing stories of how something didn't work out. because when he does things that make him happier, he becomes a happier person to be around. because I will be able to ask him over to my house without feeling some semblance of regret first. because he wants so terribly bad to be somebody, and I feel I can help him pull himself towards that goal. because he's my brother and I have to love the guy.. he's my fuckin brother. that's a given love that can't really be looked over.

I'll simmer for a couple days. For now, tacos.

my shoes hurt

i've been working at lot, as mentioned before, and i got new non-slick shoes. first of all, they are HARDLY non-slick. i'm still almost catching death every time i go in, and those things absolutely murder my feet. i don't usually sit down at work because it's just not an option for me, but i had to sit down last night. i thought my heels were going to cave in. and then i got a headache, which is usually a good indication that my body is trying to beg for something. so i drank some water and all it did was send me to the bathroom 12 times.

did i mention i'm a manager at skyline now? i'm hoping this is just a temporary situation... unless they offer me $30k a year with benefits. so, as a manager, i'm supposed to be on top of everything both inside and outside the restaraunt and keep my employees happy and working. it's quite hard to be friendly when your head is barking orders at you. so i was done with all my managerial duties at around 10:30pm, which is actually pretty good considering i'm interrupted quite often by the other employees. i didn't leave until after 11 because the dude on dish likes to take his dear, sweet time. then again, his car was vandalized last night so i can't get too mad at him. he's not exactly the most liked guy at that store. i think the only reason i get along with him is because he -- like myself -- is quite the gamer. so we at least have things to talk about when we work together. he just needs a little direction sometimes, which is fine compared to some other people who wouldn't know their ass from a hole in the ground. i sometimes wonder where these people came from, because i'm pretty sure NONE of them were trained properly, and that tends to get in the way of the quality of the product. though i couldn't give two shits less about skyline chili, i care enough so i may prevent as little customer confrontation as possible. i don't like having to fix other peoples' mistakes, but because nobody is perfect it happens very often. as the manager, i have to care about how well the other employees do because their actions speak louder about MY character than it does theirs. so i have to care at least a little bit. i mean-- i show up, work my ass off, and get paid every two weeks for doing so. that's really all i need right now. and if my next paycheck (and those in the future) are anything like my last one, i'll be living quite nicely this summer and may be able to fly out to see sam in north hollywood.

did i mention i like making money? i like HAVING money much more than spending it, so i see a somewhat debt-free future for myself.

i taught myself how to knit (not without the help of a basic how-to video on youtube) and i like it! it's a neat little hobby. i like it mostly because you can leave and come back to it without skipping a beat. i'm just getting into it, so i don't have any sweaters or hats yet. but i DO have a little green square that may turn into an oven mit! i've also tapped into my creativity again lately, so learning to knit was a mere side-effect. i made some beads out of modelling clay... i painted a little face onto a 2X4... i made a collage and left it for dustin to display in his living room... i also started cooking out of my cook book. i made a bunch of cookies for the holidays (ginger cookies, fudge ecstacies, and chocolate truffles), and then i tried out a mushroom stroganoff recipe last week that was amazing. it's fun to try new things that have been lying around the house for some time. i also made candles out of my mom's candle-making stuff and her coffee mugs. i wrapped all my holiday presents in her old scarves and made the nostalgia part of the gift. it was very neat to uncover these once-loved crafts and finish them a way in which my mom would appreciate. it's definitely a good coping method to give little bits of her memories away. i want to dispurse them as far and wide as possible... the same way her ashes are currently being carried around the world by the ocean currents and water cycle. this is how i believe someone's spirit lives on.

i'm out of steam.

peace and a happy new year!

just need to vent a little.. nothing too important.

i was unable to sleep last night, and i still can't figure out why. i'm not particularly stressed.. i HAVE been working a lot, but it's nothing i can't handle or haven't handled in the past. i was planning on going to my work xmas party, but was convinced at the last minute to go to one of joey's friend's 21st birthday parties at this bar in clifton. he also convinced me to drive on the condition that he paid me $10 for gas, which he handed over readily. i figured the friendly get-together would be a little more fun than the work get-together, but it actually was about what i expected.. a bunch of me standing around looking at people i don't know and hoping no hot chick hits on my boyfriend. i'm 16 again.... even though i never hung out in bars when i was 16. i just get insecure at the dumbest moments and it makes me feel really stupid when the moments are over. we got to the bar and i had to leave shortly thereafter because i have to work at 4:30am up in dayton, which means i have to wake up in about 3.5 hours from now. did i mention i didn't sleep last night either? great. 3.5 hours of sleep in a two-day period. i'm going to be buckets of sunshine tomorrow... at least i get to go to my job were i don't talk to anyone and i can be grumpy to myself. ugh... grumpy sundays. at least i don't have to work at skyline until 3 on monday (i'm working as a shift manager again.. whoopty do). so i can go home tomorrow when i get home and sleep. and it will be ok because joey has to work at 3. i get home.. we chil for about an hour, then we go our separate ways. this is how our schedules have been working out, and i can't say that i like it very much. i told my new boss at skyline hat i would like to work evenings because i knew joey worked evenings. well, NOW that i'm getting evening shifts, joey has been getting morning shifts. we have been seeing bits and pieces of each other throughout the weeks and get maybe one day of extended hanging-out time together. today was one of those days, only this one i ended by myself while he gets to hang out and drink with his buddies downtown. so yea-- i told him that if he wanted to stay he would have to get a ride home from his buddy's girlfriend. i didn't really want him to do it, but i gave the option to him and he took it. i'm sad about that... and it's only because he convinced me to go.. he convinced me to drive.. and i don't even get to have a good time. i did the dishes today and cooked dinner. i feel slightly taken advantage of and it's going to drive me a little crazy if i don't get it off my chest.. did i mention i have to go to sleep now? i'm just not so sure how possible it will be. damn i hope i fall asleep quickly.. i can't stand another night of tossing and turning. i just feel lonely when i have to go to bed by myself. when he's not here i worry about him and think of the worst possible scenarios. like i said, i get insecure at the dumbest moments.. right before bed is not a great moment to feel insecure.

amanda called me today to tell me how much she hates xmas...i laughed at her message. i didn't call her back though, because i was in the middle of xmas shopping and didn't want to spoil the mood about how much i, too, hate xmas. yes, i celebrate it with my family... but the only reason i do is because it's the only sad time of year i get to see everyone i never get to see any other time of the year. so i take it. and so what i have to do a dumb little gift exchange.. it's something to talk about and it's a family activity that most everyone can enjoy, no matter how dumb it is. i mean, you're all drunk and sedated from all the food and what the hell? let's decorate a bunch of shit and act surprised by stupid gifting. it's about the only sport i am a little good at.. i've definitely toned it down over the years, and i'm not sure how much i will maintain the tradition. considering i AM an atheist, and it IS a holiday based on a religion. but my family loves it, and i love my family. so i do what i can to be a part of it. i like cookies too much anyway.... and food. i need to go to sleep.

Kommunicating Karma

I have a hard time believing that deviant behavior is genuine, unless carried out by a sociopath or something. One of the biggest reasons for this is because empathy is the first logical thing we learn as children, whether we realize what it really means at such a young age. We at least know that sharing is important, and that hitting your brother in the arm is not nice because you wouldn't want him to punch YOU in the arm.

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

It's basic. Simple. NICE. And the right thing to do. It's also the easiest route to avoid confrontation, conflict, and personal injury. If you do not want someone to inflict pain upon you, there is absolutely no reason you should wish to inflict pain upon them. And wouldn't you know that this principle is the golden rule of all religions. It makes me laugh that this is the golden rule and just about nobody follows it, yet, the majority of the world considers religion the key to life. It cracks me up when criminals call themselves Christians...

Anyway, what I'm getting to is this: why do people do bad things even when they know it's bad? What motivates a person to rob a bank? And how is that motivation turned into "that's a good idea!"

I was hanging out at a friend's house yesterday and one of her buddies dropped by. I just met this guy myself, and I don't know.. he seems like a relatively alright dude. He started talking about his adventure with the manager at a car rental place just the other day and the poor customer service he felt he received. He went to pick up this rental car and was told he had to pay some $15 fee for something. He was not told before renting the car that he would owe any kind of fee at pick-up and he did not have the money to cover it (he has no credit cards and did not have any cash on hand). So he ended up calling his mom so she could read off her credit card number to the manager. The dude got slightly irate with the manager about not being told of this hidden fee, and the manager snapped back with a childish "well I don't have to give you the car if I don't want to." So dude finally got the car, told the manager "it looks fucking great" (referring to the condition of the car) and peeled out of the parking lot. Dude then went on to say how he was going to drive the car as rough as possible and was not going to be respectful of this property that is not his.

I asked him "why?"
He said "because that manager was a dick!"
me: So, roughing up the car is going to prove something?
him: Well, no.. he shouldn't have been an ass-hole.
me: So, you think you're better than that guy?
him: no, I just want to one-up him.
me: so you think you're better than he is. Yunno, if you want to prove you're better than he is you shouldn't do anything at all. Let him know he was the dick and you were unscathed by his behavior. THAT would prove more than fucking up the car.
him: .....shut up! I'm gonna do it anyway. It makes me feel better and he shouldn't have been a dick.

The problem I have with this is that he KNOWS his behavior is dispicable, yet, he chooses to display it without thinking it through like a mature adult. Another reason this bothers me is that he just found out his girlfriend is pregnant and they're probably keeping it. THIS GUY is bringing a child into this world and he's still acting like one himself. I know he isn't the only example of this, and this won't be the last time I see it before my own eyes.

I'm just curious... what is his motivation? Of all the logic we humans are capable of displaying and working through, what compells someone to act like a dick to someone else?

I see it as a communication problem. Then again, I see most (if not ALL) problems come down to miscommunication. I also see it as an entitlement issue, where everyone nowadays believes they are entitled to everything they come across and will act a-fool to get their way because they know it works. But the only reason it works is because the other person doesn't want to deal with that crap and gives up the good or service just to get the person off their back. We are taught to talk and socialize.. to form our words and speak slowly so we may be understood... but we are never taught how to communicate.

One LARGE misconception about communicating is that it's just talking. The most important part of comminucating "properly" is listening. Yes, don't get me wrong-- talking is important. But if you don't listen and understand what the other person is saying, you won't know how to respond. Most people respond with a knee-jerk reaction without thinking of what they're really saying and how they are being interpreted. It takes two to communicate, but people only think of themselves while in a conversation, so whatever they say is right. Not only is it important to listen to what the other person is saying, but you must respond in a way in which THEY will understand. This is called "style flexing" and comes quite handy in interpersonal relationships. A good way of reaching an understand with someone is to repeat back to them what you heard them say. In this case, if your interpretation was not what they intended, this gives them a second opportunity to correct themself.

It takes two to communicate and it could be argued "but Holly.. if I do all these things correctly and the other person is still being stupid, what's the point in trying to be nice and reach an understanding?" The point is this: If you understand the situation and they don't, you have that advantage. How would you describe the situation to someone else? Of course it would be biased because it would be coming from you. But if you played your cards right and you KNOW you played your cards right, you have the advantage of the truth. And we all know, honesty is the best policy.

i feel compelled...

...to write SOMETHING about this economic mess.

I have a big beef with this $700 billion bailout plan for reasons mostly shared by people who give a flying fuck about our country. Of course there are the obvious reasons, like:

Why should I pay for someone else's mistakes?

Why is it all of a sudden OUR problem when it was a few fat-cats who decided to play risk?

and the big one:

Did they completely forget about this document called "the Constitution" that not only BEGINS with "we the people" but emphasizes the importance of small government to ensure the fluidity of this supposed free-market economy?

I tend to find irony in most government tactics because they usually present just another example of smart people making really dumb decisions. And with "dumb" I also include "greedy," "risky," "contradictive," and "against our moral fiber."

What I find most ironic about this whole thing is this:
They have spent this whole week trying to convince us that this bailout is absolutely necessary to prevent us from falling into (another) great depression. They want us to be "ok" with their spending of our hard-earned dollars to make sure CEOs and their equal fat-cat brothers keep getting paid. --YET-- they had absolutely NO PROBLEM with spending our money and digging us into a $7TRILLION deficit. I'm not saying they should do this, but why are they even asking us if it's "ok" when they're going to push it to legislation anyway? Why do they all-of-a-sudden need our consent when they never bothered to get it for anything else (at least in the last 8 years...)?

I don't think anybody wants this to happen, even those who are on the line. There is a moral issue with allowing our already powerful government to further their fingers into our bank accounts.

The government treats its people like a one-night stand. They tell us everything we "want" to hear at first. We laugh.. we joke.. we exchange ideas. Things are going well and we really start trusting them. They smooth talk us and lead us into the bedroom where they sit down next to us on the bed. They look deeply into our eyes and say how special we are, and make their move. It's absolute ecstacy until we wake up in the morning, see our partner is long-gone, and all of our appliances are missing. We cry and wonder "why did we think this was a good idea? that jerk!" But we didn't get a number the night before, and there is no way they're gonna call us. They have taken our pride and sense of security, and there is nothing we can do about it but cry and hit our head against the wall.

But we learn not to make those same decisions again. Until someone NEW comes along and shmoozes their way into our lives too, leading to similar events and consequences.

Are we really that dumb? or are they really that smart?

There is a clear and concise example of direct manipulation by the government. Did you notice that they changed the word "bailout" to "rescue" plan? Their logic behind using this is simple. All they have to say is "You mean, you don't want to be rescued?" Even the most intelligent people are saying "Well, yea! I DO want to be rescued!" and we are left, again, sitting on the side of the bed banging our head against the wall. "Stupid Stupid Stupid!"

I don't know what else to say. I'm really upset that the same people who want to make this country great only want to gain power, wealth, and status for themselves. They don't care about the general public. And why should they? We only make a small percentage of their salaries. Money = Status, and Status = Power. What kind of power could we generate with just a handful of pocket-change?

Absolutely none, unless you count the lamp in your den.

"Real" Men Don't Exist

There is a lot that I have learned throughout the last four years having attended a university. One of the biggest things I have learned (and realized for myself through first-hand experience) is that gender does not exist.

Don't get me wrong here, there are many differences between men and women. But the illusions that we adhere to as being "feminine" or "masculine" are exactly that. Men have penises, and women have vaginas and breasts. THAT'S ABOUT IT. Of course I can't leave out the fact that those biological traits are coupled with their complimenting hormones: men have testosterone and women have estrogen. I also can't leave out that these hormones are what determine how men and women develop into adulthood.

Gender is an illusion. Here is an example.

The color PINK is perceived as a "girl" color because it's "pretty," and apparently only girls can be pretty. This is false. Dictonary.com says pretty is an adjective used to describe something "pleasing or attractive to the eye, as by delicacy or gracefulness." Is this to say that men cannot be attractive or pleasing to the eye? Absolutely not. Is this to say that men cannot be called pretty or graceful? Absolutely not. I tell my boyfriend that he's pretty all the time. He smiles, gives me a kiss, and says "YOU'RE pretty!" To give more depth to this argument, gay guys are often called "pretty boys" because they tend to wear more effeminate clothing, and sometimes make-up. But even the fact that they wear "girl" clothing is an illusion because you have to ask: what makes it feminine?

Does it have a vagina? no..
Does it have breasts? no...
Does it carry children in its belly? I don't think so.

Then what is it about the color pink that makes it a "girl" color? What makes this question even more contemplative is that pink was often regarded as a "boy" color back in the early 1900s because it was a shade of red, which was seen as a "stronger" color. In opposition, blue was seen as a "girl" color because it was softer and delicate. This lasted until Nazi Germany started separating people by colored patches (the Star of David for Jews, pink triangles for gays) and were often confusing because there were so many different ones. Coming out of WWII resulted in pink being more associated with women, while blue went to boys.

Why has this illusion of gender become such an influence on who we become?

I blame the smart people who made dumb decisions. They set a standard and mocked the alternative. Nobody likes getting mocked, so it's much easier to just follow the "standard" to avoid being questioned. "Pink is for girls? OK!"

What I find the most depressing about this illusion of gender is that everyone believes in it. It's everywhere you look. It's on every commercial you watch on TV or hear on the radio. It's blindly spread by families through the new generations. It's at retail stores. It's at your favorite restaurant. It's the car you drive. It's the way you wear your hair. It's on food labels at the grocery store. It's in video games. It determines the presents you buy your family and friends. It determines your "role" in life. It's displayed on every website and ad that comes across your computer. It's in the products you buy. It's in the music you listen to. It's all pervasive and it doesn't even exist.

Just like God.

But the only reason I brought this all up is because I saw a headline that read "Top 10 Drinks REAL Men Don't Drink." I clicked the link and it lead me to a website called www.askmen.com. You can search it for yourself because I am honestly not interested in finding out what part of these alcoholic drinks are equipped with breasts and vaginas, making "REAL" men incapable of drinking them

Jack Thompson-- eat your heart out!

As video games are becoming more and more popular, there are always those who debate their influence on young kids. Jack Thompson is an attorney who is fixed on the idea that violence in the media (mostly video games) is turning our children against us. After every video game debut, he makes a point of having his opinion heard about why he thinks said video game is a social nuisance. My own opinion on the matter pushes the responsibility of violent children on the parents, the people who raised them and allowed them to play these games. Blaming the media for any social problem is just ignorant (and an easy scapegoat), because if anyone believes that the false reality depicted on television is real, who else's fault is it than their own for being so naive?

It isn't often that we hear these nightmarish stories where kids commit crimes and say they got the idea from Grand Theft Auto (or FEAR, or Halo, or Gears of War, or any other first-person shooter), but they definitely don't go unheard.

Two recent crime sprees were specifically blamed on the influence of GTA:IV by the kids who commited the crimes themselves. A group of 4-5 kids (ages ranging from 14-17) in some little po-dunk town ended up snatching a lady's purse and beating her up, stopping a car at an intersection and pulling the driver out to beat them up, stole the car, and then went on a vandalism spree. They said they were "bored" and got the ideas from GTA:IV. Another story out of India had a kid carjack someone or something, and he said he got the idea from the game TOO.

First of all, none of the kids were old enough to purchase the game themselves. So who DID buy it for them? Their parents. If a parent buys a kid a hammer, and the kid doesn't know that the hammer could cause severe head trauma when applied correctly, who's fault is it that the kid caved in his skull when experimenting with gravity? Yes, it was the kid who caused the trauma, but it was the parent who failed to educate their child that the combination of head + skull does not = happy fun time. A hammer is a hammer, and is used for hitting nails, not skulls. Second, where are the parents when their kids are playing these games? They obvioualy do not take an active role in their child's life, and are allowing society to raise them instead. That in itself is dangerous.

The reason I bring all this up is because another story came out where an 11-year old girl saved her family in a car accident, and she said she knew what to do because of? GTA! My hero! Here's an excerpt, and the full article:

It happened on August 27th around 9pm, as the Norris family of five was heading to Diamond, Illinois to visit relatives. Their 2000 Jeep Grand Cherokee swerved off the road, hitting a guardrail and flipping four times before coming to a stop, caving in the roof and smashing out the back window. With her mother hanging upside down and her father pinned against the steering wheel, 11-year-old Audrey Plique climbed out of the back window and helped her parents and two younger siblings escape the car. The motivation for her heroic act, according to her mother Karen Norris? "She just knew, from playing 'Grand Theft Auto.' She saw on there that when a car rolls over, it can blow up. She knew that could happen to us."

Of course we all know that if a car rolls over it won't immediately burst into flames as depicted in all the GTA games (except IV). But even this act of heroism proves that her parents neglected to check the content of the game before allowing their child to play. The girl thought the car would blow up because that's all she knew. If her parents took an active role and explained that a car would not blow up if flipped over, perhaps she wouldn't have had such an immediate response to the incident. Of course, it is not even debatable of what she would have done if properly educated, either way she was a hero.

Eat it, Jack Thompson.

facing my harsh reality

I don't know what to do and I'm about to pull my hair out.

My boyfriend (Joey) and I have lived together for about a year now, and have been together for two. I love him more than anything and would be absolutely devastated if we broke up.

He held a full-time job at a local company for a year and on January 5th they let him go on a very poorly supported claim. Beside the point that they fired him unjustly, the company is now failing and are downsizing in large numbers. His sister got him the job and she has worked there for (I think) about 3 years. Even she is looking for a new job because the company is just so shitty.

So Joey was fired in January and has been living off of unemployment since. He has been tirelessly looking for every job under the sun and nobody will hire him. We re-wrote him resume. He has been on about a dozen different interviews driving him hundreds of miles between Columbus and Cincinnati. He has applied for jobs he is both qualified and underqualified for, and is now applying for jobs any sixteen year-old could get. He has gotten several hair-cuts and is absolutely handsome all the time. He has been told over and over "You most likely have the job, we'll call you next week." And they never call. He went to places with "Now Hiring" signs, filled out applications, turned them in, and called days later only to be told that they are not hiring. He went to places with "Now Hiring" signs, filled out/turned in the application, called them only to be told that they haven't looked at his application and will call him-- And then don't. He has given his resume to temp agencies only to be told that they have nothing for him. I have spent entire shifts at work looking for jobs online that he would be qualified for. I have brought home (from work) the Sunday classifieds almost on a weekly basis. We have talked to friends and family members only to hear the same things over and over and over again.

We have been doing this for over eight months and we're tired and frustrated. Our lease is up on Halloween, and we have the option of renewing the lease at a higher monthly rate than what we have been paying. We cannot afford to stay where we are, but we can't sign a new lease somewhere else because he doesn't have a job.

A new problem sprang up two days ago when unemployment stopped coming. He only received HALF the amount he has been getting, and there was no warning that his funds would be exhausted. They gave him an ending date of January 29th, 2009, but last time I checked August '08 is WAAAY before January '09.

Our only options are as follows:

1. Assuming he will be employed by the end of September, we can just wait patiently until then and move somewhere a little more affordable.

2. Assuming he doesn't get a job by the end of September, I will have to look for a place of my own, and he will have to move back in with his parents- an hour away.

It kills me. I don't want these to be our only options, but I am not about to financially support someone who is not my spouse or my child. It just is not an option for me. I am barely making it on my own and the last thing I need is to pay for someone else. And he knows this. I just don't know what to do and it's eating away at my every nerve. I am running out of patience and am already starting to feel the heartbreak of moving away from him.

On top of all of this, the local/state economy is falling dramatically. The housing market is death. The credit card crisis has devalued our dollar. Car factories, their part suppliers, distribution plants, and other major retailers are closing. Due to these losses, the demand for jobs has drastically increased as the jobs available has drastically decreased. The only jobs listed in the newspaper and online are either sales, nursing, or skilled labor, and tech-schools are injecting their "hey come spend money you don't have to learn a new skill you don't want" ads in there, too.

I would just say that we should relocate, but we don't have the money to do so and where would we go? We can't just up and leave without any stability, and yet so much can change in just a month and a half.

I'm on the edge. I'm gaining weight. I'm losing sleep. I'm losing my patience.

just what I was looking for

I sent an email to my dad about issues I want to work out with him. Although I know how impersonal emails can be, I just felt that I could better express what I wanted to without letting anger get in the way. The jist of it stated how he's not helping me the way he should be, and it's hurting our relationship. I am currently looking for full-time jobs all around the country for a couple of reasons. Not only is the job market in the local economy bad, but also for the rest of the state. The GM Moraine truck/SUV plant got rid of the 2nd shift, and will be closing before 2010. Many auto-part industries also based out of the region are struggling as well, due to their reliance upon the GM plant. The DHL distribution center in Wilmington will also be closing, giving much of their routes and clients to United Parcel and ASTAR. The media markets are also changing, as Clear Channel has been bought by a private company and CBS radio is selling off 55 of their stations around the country. I want to stay within the Cox-Radio group, but there are limited opportunites and I have no other option but to move away. My dad was not letting go of me and trying to get me to stay here for his own sake. I told him he was being selfish, and it was unfair that he would expect me to stay here because of him. I also told him that in addition to supporting my interest, he needs to start supporting his own. He is just getting used to being home alone all the time, and he's kind-of scratching to get out and explore his life again. Of course there are certain barriers he has to get through first, most importantly he has to establish better future financial stability.

It has taken me a while to compile all of my thoughts about these issues, and I have been hesitant to seriously talk my dad about them in fear that we will just make matters worse, like in the past. The email I sent him was honest and empathetic, and he actually told me he read it several times to fully understand what I was feeling.

We had dinner last night and I think things are going to be ok from now on. Though I have tended to combat everything my dad brings up in coversation and we haven't gotten along for half of my life, it has always been important to me that he give me his blessing. He's my dad, and nothing can change that. I don't think there's anything more empowering than your parents telling you to follow your dreams, and be happy when saying it. Well, he gave me his blessing, encouraged me to follow my dreams, and he was happy while saying it. It showed me that he meant it, and didn't just say it because he knew that's what I wanted to hear. I thanked him. I thanked him profusely, telling him that that's what I needed to hear for 10 years. I just wanted him to be OK with me being out in the big, big world all by myself. And he is. And I love him for it.

I told him that my entire college education as a communications major was based on the fact that he and I for some reason could not break our communication barriers, and I aimed only to figure out why. And I did. In doing so, I earned a college degree and I think my "daddy" issues will finally begin to dissipate.

I could not be happier right now.

I think my mom would be proud.

In Response

I recieved an email yesterday that struck a chord. It wasn't particularly offensive or false, nor did it say anything that I haven't thought of myself. It was about something that everyone can identify with and has a strong opinion about. It is global. It is local. It has permeated our speech but nobody talks about it. Everyone has a solution but nothing is being done.

I'm talking about racism.

The email was from a white person's perspective talking about how they are the ones who are censored the most and thought to be the most racist at the same time. It says how unfair it is that white people aren't allowed to use certain language because it would be considered racist, but other races can get away with using the same language without social penalty.

I agree with this, and I agreed with the email. Of course my description is a lot less offensive than the email, but you get the jist of it. The reason I mention this at all (though I find it to be a continuing problem that not one singular person could fix) is because there IS a solution. The way to identify a solution is to figure out why the problem exists in the first place, and why it continues.

The problem has existed since man has been able to see color and use it as an excuse to separate each other. Then came slavery and human exploitation, and all that crap. Then religion was created to help man better cope with the terrors of life, and IT was exploited. Then like all aspects of life, these exploitations carried on through growing populations and took on new meanings as language and human standards evolved. Lots and lots of things happened, people were offended, and now we're all separated by race, sex, gender, political affiliation, border, occupation, social status, style, paycheck, taste, and name.

Because all this has happened, we have made it personal. We are angry. Our anger is so palpable we have issued laws trying to prevent us from feeling it. But it continues to boil inside of us because nothing is actually being done by being reminded of it every time we turn the corner. We are furthering the problem by not battling the real issues, and covering them up by issuing new laws.

We need change and we need it now.

The only way we can get passed this problem is the same way to get passed any problem: allow it to. We need to stop taking offense to absolutely everything and look at things a little more objectively. The problem is not that we are all racist, it's that we use racist language and talk about how offensive it is. Because language itself is subjective (personal), we take offense to the simplest of phrases without thinking what was actually meant. We're looking for it and finding it everywhere.

What if we stop looking?
What if we start looking passed it and stop taking offense?
Learn, grow, and become better people because of it.

It's like being a little sister. I wasn't cool enough to hang out with my older brothers and their friends because I was their little sister. They would call me names to prove to their friends that they had control over me, and they knew they had control over me because it kept me away. I didn't want to be around them if they were just going to call me names. They knew it worked and continued to do it because it worked. But they were my brothers, and there was nothing in the world that was going to change it. There was also nothing in the world that was going to keep me from wanting to hang out with them. My solution? I rose above the ridicule. I showed them that calling me names wasn't going to keep me away from them, and I stopped taking offense to "hollis" and "horsely" and "that's just my dumb little sister." When I stopped taking offense to the words they were using, they realized they didn't have the same control over me, so they stopped using the language. Today we are the best of friends and I owe it to the fact that we were able to get passed the petty name-calling. Of course they still tease me by calling me "hollis" sometimes, but I know they love me and it is all in good humor.

The way to get passed racist language is to stop using it. It only exists because people keep using it. In a perfect world, I could say "stop using racist language" and people would. If everyone in the world right now stopped using racist language for the rest of their lives, their children would not even know it existed in the first place. Of course it will always exist because there are too many publications citing such language, and I would only hope my children cracked a book once in a while. So it's obviously impossible to eradicate such offensive language, but it's not impossible to stop using it.

We would need to stop using it together, all across the world, at the same time.

But it will never happen because there will always be rapists, there will always be murder and guns, there will always be violence against someone, there will always be an opposing side to good, and there will always be offensive language.

I just choose not to use it.

How about you?