Slightly Troubled

I can't help but feel objectified. Joey helped me realize something yesterday and I'm kind-of upset about it. Since I was about 13 my dad and I have had a very frustrating relationship. 13 is about the age that one starts to develop an opinion about things and I definitely embraced that freedom, as well as being supported by my mom. In a nutshell, my dad has tried to block the fact that I have an opinion and continues to via his masked fear of his own realities. I wrote a list of things about him that piss me off and have pissed me off since we developed this stressful relationship. And what makes it more stressful is that he doesn't even realize these things about himself because of who he is, therefore making it close to impossible to talk to him about it. I would be wasting air and time if I even made an attempt. This is not to say that I haven't tried to make an attempt. He listens for the moment that I'm talking, and says "Oh I'm sorry! It will be better blah blah blah..." and he's right for about a day or two. He never makes an attempt to change himself, but rather continues to mask any problem that might exist by not admitting he's wrong. Here's my list. It's critical, but it's how I feel.

He's very much a selective listener and unable to admit that he's wrong or misinformed. He's a hypocrite. He doesn't care about anything that he doesn't have to interract with on a daily basis. He doesn't say please or thank you, nor does he ask nicely. He doesn't care about health or trying to be a genuinely good person. He doesn't care to make matters better because he believes he's too old to do anything (he's only 55). He doesn't listen to me or value any part of my opinions. He compares me to my mom (whom I love more than life itself) and can't help but feel his embittered sarcasm due to the divorce that she prompted. He's racist and bigoted, but wouldn't openly admit it. He thinks less of women, especially if they make a bad decision. HE DOESN'T LISTEN. He's socially awkward and embarassing. He thinks he's HILARIOUS all the time. He doesn't consider your situation or feelings, as his agenda is the only one that works for him. If you're watching tv, he'll come in and after watching only a couple minutes, ask "is there anything else on?" He's combative. He's terrible at communicating. He's afraid of change. He's the reason the phrase "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" exists. I believe he's afraid to know the truth about, well, all things. He's safeguarded by the suburban ideologies he raised us in. He can't argue a valid point. It's because of people like him our country has gone down the shitter.

It's no doubt I love my dad, and it might be hard to believe after reading all that, but he's my dad. I'm upset about this because I DO love him. He does have good qualities, but they're really only skin deep. He gives me money if I ask for it (which is a rarity), he takes us out to dinner and pays, and he cares about all of us. But all that isn't enough. I can't talk to him about anything that's important to me because he either doesn't care about it the same way I do or doesn't agree with my standpoint. He still treats me like I'm seven: aww.. look how cute she is.. she has an opinion.. I might be hard on him for his qualities, but here's where he and I are different: I am able to put my own feelings and beliefs aside and see situations through his eyes. I'm able to walk in someone else's shoes. I understand his views from a father standpoint: he wants to protect us and make sure we make the "right" decisions. I understand his views as the father of a girl exactly like the woman that divorced him. I understand that we didn't grow up with the same values of life. I understand that he grew up believing white men have the power. He didn't have the technologies that I did. I've told him this and he knows it (but won't admit that he does) that times have changed. Companies are equal opportinity employers. There are black men and women that make more money than he could in a lifetime. Everything is done by computer. Everything revolves around money. The economy purposefully maintains and widens the gap between the rich and poor. Women aren't just house-wives anymore. You don't have to be a Christian to be a good person. I UNDERSTAND THAT HE BELIEVES NONE OF THIS IS A REALITY. He's blinded by his unwillingness to change or see the other side. He makes my life very complicated because we can't talk about this stuff.