my shoes hurt

i've been working at lot, as mentioned before, and i got new non-slick shoes. first of all, they are HARDLY non-slick. i'm still almost catching death every time i go in, and those things absolutely murder my feet. i don't usually sit down at work because it's just not an option for me, but i had to sit down last night. i thought my heels were going to cave in. and then i got a headache, which is usually a good indication that my body is trying to beg for something. so i drank some water and all it did was send me to the bathroom 12 times.

did i mention i'm a manager at skyline now? i'm hoping this is just a temporary situation... unless they offer me $30k a year with benefits. so, as a manager, i'm supposed to be on top of everything both inside and outside the restaraunt and keep my employees happy and working. it's quite hard to be friendly when your head is barking orders at you. so i was done with all my managerial duties at around 10:30pm, which is actually pretty good considering i'm interrupted quite often by the other employees. i didn't leave until after 11 because the dude on dish likes to take his dear, sweet time. then again, his car was vandalized last night so i can't get too mad at him. he's not exactly the most liked guy at that store. i think the only reason i get along with him is because he -- like myself -- is quite the gamer. so we at least have things to talk about when we work together. he just needs a little direction sometimes, which is fine compared to some other people who wouldn't know their ass from a hole in the ground. i sometimes wonder where these people came from, because i'm pretty sure NONE of them were trained properly, and that tends to get in the way of the quality of the product. though i couldn't give two shits less about skyline chili, i care enough so i may prevent as little customer confrontation as possible. i don't like having to fix other peoples' mistakes, but because nobody is perfect it happens very often. as the manager, i have to care about how well the other employees do because their actions speak louder about MY character than it does theirs. so i have to care at least a little bit. i mean-- i show up, work my ass off, and get paid every two weeks for doing so. that's really all i need right now. and if my next paycheck (and those in the future) are anything like my last one, i'll be living quite nicely this summer and may be able to fly out to see sam in north hollywood.

did i mention i like making money? i like HAVING money much more than spending it, so i see a somewhat debt-free future for myself.

i taught myself how to knit (not without the help of a basic how-to video on youtube) and i like it! it's a neat little hobby. i like it mostly because you can leave and come back to it without skipping a beat. i'm just getting into it, so i don't have any sweaters or hats yet. but i DO have a little green square that may turn into an oven mit! i've also tapped into my creativity again lately, so learning to knit was a mere side-effect. i made some beads out of modelling clay... i painted a little face onto a 2X4... i made a collage and left it for dustin to display in his living room... i also started cooking out of my cook book. i made a bunch of cookies for the holidays (ginger cookies, fudge ecstacies, and chocolate truffles), and then i tried out a mushroom stroganoff recipe last week that was amazing. it's fun to try new things that have been lying around the house for some time. i also made candles out of my mom's candle-making stuff and her coffee mugs. i wrapped all my holiday presents in her old scarves and made the nostalgia part of the gift. it was very neat to uncover these once-loved crafts and finish them a way in which my mom would appreciate. it's definitely a good coping method to give little bits of her memories away. i want to dispurse them as far and wide as possible... the same way her ashes are currently being carried around the world by the ocean currents and water cycle. this is how i believe someone's spirit lives on.

i'm out of steam.

peace and a happy new year!

just need to vent a little.. nothing too important.

i was unable to sleep last night, and i still can't figure out why. i'm not particularly stressed.. i HAVE been working a lot, but it's nothing i can't handle or haven't handled in the past. i was planning on going to my work xmas party, but was convinced at the last minute to go to one of joey's friend's 21st birthday parties at this bar in clifton. he also convinced me to drive on the condition that he paid me $10 for gas, which he handed over readily. i figured the friendly get-together would be a little more fun than the work get-together, but it actually was about what i expected.. a bunch of me standing around looking at people i don't know and hoping no hot chick hits on my boyfriend. i'm 16 again.... even though i never hung out in bars when i was 16. i just get insecure at the dumbest moments and it makes me feel really stupid when the moments are over. we got to the bar and i had to leave shortly thereafter because i have to work at 4:30am up in dayton, which means i have to wake up in about 3.5 hours from now. did i mention i didn't sleep last night either? great. 3.5 hours of sleep in a two-day period. i'm going to be buckets of sunshine tomorrow... at least i get to go to my job were i don't talk to anyone and i can be grumpy to myself. ugh... grumpy sundays. at least i don't have to work at skyline until 3 on monday (i'm working as a shift manager again.. whoopty do). so i can go home tomorrow when i get home and sleep. and it will be ok because joey has to work at 3. i get home.. we chil for about an hour, then we go our separate ways. this is how our schedules have been working out, and i can't say that i like it very much. i told my new boss at skyline hat i would like to work evenings because i knew joey worked evenings. well, NOW that i'm getting evening shifts, joey has been getting morning shifts. we have been seeing bits and pieces of each other throughout the weeks and get maybe one day of extended hanging-out time together. today was one of those days, only this one i ended by myself while he gets to hang out and drink with his buddies downtown. so yea-- i told him that if he wanted to stay he would have to get a ride home from his buddy's girlfriend. i didn't really want him to do it, but i gave the option to him and he took it. i'm sad about that... and it's only because he convinced me to go.. he convinced me to drive.. and i don't even get to have a good time. i did the dishes today and cooked dinner. i feel slightly taken advantage of and it's going to drive me a little crazy if i don't get it off my chest.. did i mention i have to go to sleep now? i'm just not so sure how possible it will be. damn i hope i fall asleep quickly.. i can't stand another night of tossing and turning. i just feel lonely when i have to go to bed by myself. when he's not here i worry about him and think of the worst possible scenarios. like i said, i get insecure at the dumbest moments.. right before bed is not a great moment to feel insecure.

amanda called me today to tell me how much she hates xmas...i laughed at her message. i didn't call her back though, because i was in the middle of xmas shopping and didn't want to spoil the mood about how much i, too, hate xmas. yes, i celebrate it with my family... but the only reason i do is because it's the only sad time of year i get to see everyone i never get to see any other time of the year. so i take it. and so what i have to do a dumb little gift exchange.. it's something to talk about and it's a family activity that most everyone can enjoy, no matter how dumb it is. i mean, you're all drunk and sedated from all the food and what the hell? let's decorate a bunch of shit and act surprised by stupid gifting. it's about the only sport i am a little good at.. i've definitely toned it down over the years, and i'm not sure how much i will maintain the tradition. considering i AM an atheist, and it IS a holiday based on a religion. but my family loves it, and i love my family. so i do what i can to be a part of it. i like cookies too much anyway.... and food. i need to go to sleep.