my shoes hurt

i've been working at lot, as mentioned before, and i got new non-slick shoes. first of all, they are HARDLY non-slick. i'm still almost catching death every time i go in, and those things absolutely murder my feet. i don't usually sit down at work because it's just not an option for me, but i had to sit down last night. i thought my heels were going to cave in. and then i got a headache, which is usually a good indication that my body is trying to beg for something. so i drank some water and all it did was send me to the bathroom 12 times.

did i mention i'm a manager at skyline now? i'm hoping this is just a temporary situation... unless they offer me $30k a year with benefits. so, as a manager, i'm supposed to be on top of everything both inside and outside the restaraunt and keep my employees happy and working. it's quite hard to be friendly when your head is barking orders at you. so i was done with all my managerial duties at around 10:30pm, which is actually pretty good considering i'm interrupted quite often by the other employees. i didn't leave until after 11 because the dude on dish likes to take his dear, sweet time. then again, his car was vandalized last night so i can't get too mad at him. he's not exactly the most liked guy at that store. i think the only reason i get along with him is because he -- like myself -- is quite the gamer. so we at least have things to talk about when we work together. he just needs a little direction sometimes, which is fine compared to some other people who wouldn't know their ass from a hole in the ground. i sometimes wonder where these people came from, because i'm pretty sure NONE of them were trained properly, and that tends to get in the way of the quality of the product. though i couldn't give two shits less about skyline chili, i care enough so i may prevent as little customer confrontation as possible. i don't like having to fix other peoples' mistakes, but because nobody is perfect it happens very often. as the manager, i have to care about how well the other employees do because their actions speak louder about MY character than it does theirs. so i have to care at least a little bit. i mean-- i show up, work my ass off, and get paid every two weeks for doing so. that's really all i need right now. and if my next paycheck (and those in the future) are anything like my last one, i'll be living quite nicely this summer and may be able to fly out to see sam in north hollywood.

did i mention i like making money? i like HAVING money much more than spending it, so i see a somewhat debt-free future for myself.

i taught myself how to knit (not without the help of a basic how-to video on youtube) and i like it! it's a neat little hobby. i like it mostly because you can leave and come back to it without skipping a beat. i'm just getting into it, so i don't have any sweaters or hats yet. but i DO have a little green square that may turn into an oven mit! i've also tapped into my creativity again lately, so learning to knit was a mere side-effect. i made some beads out of modelling clay... i painted a little face onto a 2X4... i made a collage and left it for dustin to display in his living room... i also started cooking out of my cook book. i made a bunch of cookies for the holidays (ginger cookies, fudge ecstacies, and chocolate truffles), and then i tried out a mushroom stroganoff recipe last week that was amazing. it's fun to try new things that have been lying around the house for some time. i also made candles out of my mom's candle-making stuff and her coffee mugs. i wrapped all my holiday presents in her old scarves and made the nostalgia part of the gift. it was very neat to uncover these once-loved crafts and finish them a way in which my mom would appreciate. it's definitely a good coping method to give little bits of her memories away. i want to dispurse them as far and wide as possible... the same way her ashes are currently being carried around the world by the ocean currents and water cycle. this is how i believe someone's spirit lives on.

i'm out of steam.

peace and a happy new year!

just need to vent a little.. nothing too important.

i was unable to sleep last night, and i still can't figure out why. i'm not particularly stressed.. i HAVE been working a lot, but it's nothing i can't handle or haven't handled in the past. i was planning on going to my work xmas party, but was convinced at the last minute to go to one of joey's friend's 21st birthday parties at this bar in clifton. he also convinced me to drive on the condition that he paid me $10 for gas, which he handed over readily. i figured the friendly get-together would be a little more fun than the work get-together, but it actually was about what i expected.. a bunch of me standing around looking at people i don't know and hoping no hot chick hits on my boyfriend. i'm 16 again.... even though i never hung out in bars when i was 16. i just get insecure at the dumbest moments and it makes me feel really stupid when the moments are over. we got to the bar and i had to leave shortly thereafter because i have to work at 4:30am up in dayton, which means i have to wake up in about 3.5 hours from now. did i mention i didn't sleep last night either? great. 3.5 hours of sleep in a two-day period. i'm going to be buckets of sunshine tomorrow... at least i get to go to my job were i don't talk to anyone and i can be grumpy to myself. ugh... grumpy sundays. at least i don't have to work at skyline until 3 on monday (i'm working as a shift manager again.. whoopty do). so i can go home tomorrow when i get home and sleep. and it will be ok because joey has to work at 3. i get home.. we chil for about an hour, then we go our separate ways. this is how our schedules have been working out, and i can't say that i like it very much. i told my new boss at skyline hat i would like to work evenings because i knew joey worked evenings. well, NOW that i'm getting evening shifts, joey has been getting morning shifts. we have been seeing bits and pieces of each other throughout the weeks and get maybe one day of extended hanging-out time together. today was one of those days, only this one i ended by myself while he gets to hang out and drink with his buddies downtown. so yea-- i told him that if he wanted to stay he would have to get a ride home from his buddy's girlfriend. i didn't really want him to do it, but i gave the option to him and he took it. i'm sad about that... and it's only because he convinced me to go.. he convinced me to drive.. and i don't even get to have a good time. i did the dishes today and cooked dinner. i feel slightly taken advantage of and it's going to drive me a little crazy if i don't get it off my chest.. did i mention i have to go to sleep now? i'm just not so sure how possible it will be. damn i hope i fall asleep quickly.. i can't stand another night of tossing and turning. i just feel lonely when i have to go to bed by myself. when he's not here i worry about him and think of the worst possible scenarios. like i said, i get insecure at the dumbest moments.. right before bed is not a great moment to feel insecure.

amanda called me today to tell me how much she hates xmas...i laughed at her message. i didn't call her back though, because i was in the middle of xmas shopping and didn't want to spoil the mood about how much i, too, hate xmas. yes, i celebrate it with my family... but the only reason i do is because it's the only sad time of year i get to see everyone i never get to see any other time of the year. so i take it. and so what i have to do a dumb little gift exchange.. it's something to talk about and it's a family activity that most everyone can enjoy, no matter how dumb it is. i mean, you're all drunk and sedated from all the food and what the hell? let's decorate a bunch of shit and act surprised by stupid gifting. it's about the only sport i am a little good at.. i've definitely toned it down over the years, and i'm not sure how much i will maintain the tradition. considering i AM an atheist, and it IS a holiday based on a religion. but my family loves it, and i love my family. so i do what i can to be a part of it. i like cookies too much anyway.... and food. i need to go to sleep.

Kommunicating Karma

I have a hard time believing that deviant behavior is genuine, unless carried out by a sociopath or something. One of the biggest reasons for this is because empathy is the first logical thing we learn as children, whether we realize what it really means at such a young age. We at least know that sharing is important, and that hitting your brother in the arm is not nice because you wouldn't want him to punch YOU in the arm.

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

It's basic. Simple. NICE. And the right thing to do. It's also the easiest route to avoid confrontation, conflict, and personal injury. If you do not want someone to inflict pain upon you, there is absolutely no reason you should wish to inflict pain upon them. And wouldn't you know that this principle is the golden rule of all religions. It makes me laugh that this is the golden rule and just about nobody follows it, yet, the majority of the world considers religion the key to life. It cracks me up when criminals call themselves Christians...

Anyway, what I'm getting to is this: why do people do bad things even when they know it's bad? What motivates a person to rob a bank? And how is that motivation turned into "that's a good idea!"

I was hanging out at a friend's house yesterday and one of her buddies dropped by. I just met this guy myself, and I don't know.. he seems like a relatively alright dude. He started talking about his adventure with the manager at a car rental place just the other day and the poor customer service he felt he received. He went to pick up this rental car and was told he had to pay some $15 fee for something. He was not told before renting the car that he would owe any kind of fee at pick-up and he did not have the money to cover it (he has no credit cards and did not have any cash on hand). So he ended up calling his mom so she could read off her credit card number to the manager. The dude got slightly irate with the manager about not being told of this hidden fee, and the manager snapped back with a childish "well I don't have to give you the car if I don't want to." So dude finally got the car, told the manager "it looks fucking great" (referring to the condition of the car) and peeled out of the parking lot. Dude then went on to say how he was going to drive the car as rough as possible and was not going to be respectful of this property that is not his.

I asked him "why?"
He said "because that manager was a dick!"
me: So, roughing up the car is going to prove something?
him: Well, no.. he shouldn't have been an ass-hole.
me: So, you think you're better than that guy?
him: no, I just want to one-up him.
me: so you think you're better than he is. Yunno, if you want to prove you're better than he is you shouldn't do anything at all. Let him know he was the dick and you were unscathed by his behavior. THAT would prove more than fucking up the car.
him: .....shut up! I'm gonna do it anyway. It makes me feel better and he shouldn't have been a dick.

The problem I have with this is that he KNOWS his behavior is dispicable, yet, he chooses to display it without thinking it through like a mature adult. Another reason this bothers me is that he just found out his girlfriend is pregnant and they're probably keeping it. THIS GUY is bringing a child into this world and he's still acting like one himself. I know he isn't the only example of this, and this won't be the last time I see it before my own eyes.

I'm just curious... what is his motivation? Of all the logic we humans are capable of displaying and working through, what compells someone to act like a dick to someone else?

I see it as a communication problem. Then again, I see most (if not ALL) problems come down to miscommunication. I also see it as an entitlement issue, where everyone nowadays believes they are entitled to everything they come across and will act a-fool to get their way because they know it works. But the only reason it works is because the other person doesn't want to deal with that crap and gives up the good or service just to get the person off their back. We are taught to talk and socialize.. to form our words and speak slowly so we may be understood... but we are never taught how to communicate.

One LARGE misconception about communicating is that it's just talking. The most important part of comminucating "properly" is listening. Yes, don't get me wrong-- talking is important. But if you don't listen and understand what the other person is saying, you won't know how to respond. Most people respond with a knee-jerk reaction without thinking of what they're really saying and how they are being interpreted. It takes two to communicate, but people only think of themselves while in a conversation, so whatever they say is right. Not only is it important to listen to what the other person is saying, but you must respond in a way in which THEY will understand. This is called "style flexing" and comes quite handy in interpersonal relationships. A good way of reaching an understand with someone is to repeat back to them what you heard them say. In this case, if your interpretation was not what they intended, this gives them a second opportunity to correct themself.

It takes two to communicate and it could be argued "but Holly.. if I do all these things correctly and the other person is still being stupid, what's the point in trying to be nice and reach an understanding?" The point is this: If you understand the situation and they don't, you have that advantage. How would you describe the situation to someone else? Of course it would be biased because it would be coming from you. But if you played your cards right and you KNOW you played your cards right, you have the advantage of the truth. And we all know, honesty is the best policy.

i feel compelled...

...to write SOMETHING about this economic mess.

I have a big beef with this $700 billion bailout plan for reasons mostly shared by people who give a flying fuck about our country. Of course there are the obvious reasons, like:

Why should I pay for someone else's mistakes?

Why is it all of a sudden OUR problem when it was a few fat-cats who decided to play risk?

and the big one:

Did they completely forget about this document called "the Constitution" that not only BEGINS with "we the people" but emphasizes the importance of small government to ensure the fluidity of this supposed free-market economy?

I tend to find irony in most government tactics because they usually present just another example of smart people making really dumb decisions. And with "dumb" I also include "greedy," "risky," "contradictive," and "against our moral fiber."

What I find most ironic about this whole thing is this:
They have spent this whole week trying to convince us that this bailout is absolutely necessary to prevent us from falling into (another) great depression. They want us to be "ok" with their spending of our hard-earned dollars to make sure CEOs and their equal fat-cat brothers keep getting paid. --YET-- they had absolutely NO PROBLEM with spending our money and digging us into a $7TRILLION deficit. I'm not saying they should do this, but why are they even asking us if it's "ok" when they're going to push it to legislation anyway? Why do they all-of-a-sudden need our consent when they never bothered to get it for anything else (at least in the last 8 years...)?

I don't think anybody wants this to happen, even those who are on the line. There is a moral issue with allowing our already powerful government to further their fingers into our bank accounts.

The government treats its people like a one-night stand. They tell us everything we "want" to hear at first. We laugh.. we joke.. we exchange ideas. Things are going well and we really start trusting them. They smooth talk us and lead us into the bedroom where they sit down next to us on the bed. They look deeply into our eyes and say how special we are, and make their move. It's absolute ecstacy until we wake up in the morning, see our partner is long-gone, and all of our appliances are missing. We cry and wonder "why did we think this was a good idea? that jerk!" But we didn't get a number the night before, and there is no way they're gonna call us. They have taken our pride and sense of security, and there is nothing we can do about it but cry and hit our head against the wall.

But we learn not to make those same decisions again. Until someone NEW comes along and shmoozes their way into our lives too, leading to similar events and consequences.

Are we really that dumb? or are they really that smart?

There is a clear and concise example of direct manipulation by the government. Did you notice that they changed the word "bailout" to "rescue" plan? Their logic behind using this is simple. All they have to say is "You mean, you don't want to be rescued?" Even the most intelligent people are saying "Well, yea! I DO want to be rescued!" and we are left, again, sitting on the side of the bed banging our head against the wall. "Stupid Stupid Stupid!"

I don't know what else to say. I'm really upset that the same people who want to make this country great only want to gain power, wealth, and status for themselves. They don't care about the general public. And why should they? We only make a small percentage of their salaries. Money = Status, and Status = Power. What kind of power could we generate with just a handful of pocket-change?

Absolutely none, unless you count the lamp in your den.

"Real" Men Don't Exist

There is a lot that I have learned throughout the last four years having attended a university. One of the biggest things I have learned (and realized for myself through first-hand experience) is that gender does not exist.

Don't get me wrong here, there are many differences between men and women. But the illusions that we adhere to as being "feminine" or "masculine" are exactly that. Men have penises, and women have vaginas and breasts. THAT'S ABOUT IT. Of course I can't leave out the fact that those biological traits are coupled with their complimenting hormones: men have testosterone and women have estrogen. I also can't leave out that these hormones are what determine how men and women develop into adulthood.

Gender is an illusion. Here is an example.

The color PINK is perceived as a "girl" color because it's "pretty," and apparently only girls can be pretty. This is false. Dictonary.com says pretty is an adjective used to describe something "pleasing or attractive to the eye, as by delicacy or gracefulness." Is this to say that men cannot be attractive or pleasing to the eye? Absolutely not. Is this to say that men cannot be called pretty or graceful? Absolutely not. I tell my boyfriend that he's pretty all the time. He smiles, gives me a kiss, and says "YOU'RE pretty!" To give more depth to this argument, gay guys are often called "pretty boys" because they tend to wear more effeminate clothing, and sometimes make-up. But even the fact that they wear "girl" clothing is an illusion because you have to ask: what makes it feminine?

Does it have a vagina? no..
Does it have breasts? no...
Does it carry children in its belly? I don't think so.

Then what is it about the color pink that makes it a "girl" color? What makes this question even more contemplative is that pink was often regarded as a "boy" color back in the early 1900s because it was a shade of red, which was seen as a "stronger" color. In opposition, blue was seen as a "girl" color because it was softer and delicate. This lasted until Nazi Germany started separating people by colored patches (the Star of David for Jews, pink triangles for gays) and were often confusing because there were so many different ones. Coming out of WWII resulted in pink being more associated with women, while blue went to boys.

Why has this illusion of gender become such an influence on who we become?

I blame the smart people who made dumb decisions. They set a standard and mocked the alternative. Nobody likes getting mocked, so it's much easier to just follow the "standard" to avoid being questioned. "Pink is for girls? OK!"

What I find the most depressing about this illusion of gender is that everyone believes in it. It's everywhere you look. It's on every commercial you watch on TV or hear on the radio. It's blindly spread by families through the new generations. It's at retail stores. It's at your favorite restaurant. It's the car you drive. It's the way you wear your hair. It's on food labels at the grocery store. It's in video games. It determines the presents you buy your family and friends. It determines your "role" in life. It's displayed on every website and ad that comes across your computer. It's in the products you buy. It's in the music you listen to. It's all pervasive and it doesn't even exist.

Just like God.

But the only reason I brought this all up is because I saw a headline that read "Top 10 Drinks REAL Men Don't Drink." I clicked the link and it lead me to a website called www.askmen.com. You can search it for yourself because I am honestly not interested in finding out what part of these alcoholic drinks are equipped with breasts and vaginas, making "REAL" men incapable of drinking them

Jack Thompson-- eat your heart out!

As video games are becoming more and more popular, there are always those who debate their influence on young kids. Jack Thompson is an attorney who is fixed on the idea that violence in the media (mostly video games) is turning our children against us. After every video game debut, he makes a point of having his opinion heard about why he thinks said video game is a social nuisance. My own opinion on the matter pushes the responsibility of violent children on the parents, the people who raised them and allowed them to play these games. Blaming the media for any social problem is just ignorant (and an easy scapegoat), because if anyone believes that the false reality depicted on television is real, who else's fault is it than their own for being so naive?

It isn't often that we hear these nightmarish stories where kids commit crimes and say they got the idea from Grand Theft Auto (or FEAR, or Halo, or Gears of War, or any other first-person shooter), but they definitely don't go unheard.

Two recent crime sprees were specifically blamed on the influence of GTA:IV by the kids who commited the crimes themselves. A group of 4-5 kids (ages ranging from 14-17) in some little po-dunk town ended up snatching a lady's purse and beating her up, stopping a car at an intersection and pulling the driver out to beat them up, stole the car, and then went on a vandalism spree. They said they were "bored" and got the ideas from GTA:IV. Another story out of India had a kid carjack someone or something, and he said he got the idea from the game TOO.

First of all, none of the kids were old enough to purchase the game themselves. So who DID buy it for them? Their parents. If a parent buys a kid a hammer, and the kid doesn't know that the hammer could cause severe head trauma when applied correctly, who's fault is it that the kid caved in his skull when experimenting with gravity? Yes, it was the kid who caused the trauma, but it was the parent who failed to educate their child that the combination of head + skull does not = happy fun time. A hammer is a hammer, and is used for hitting nails, not skulls. Second, where are the parents when their kids are playing these games? They obvioualy do not take an active role in their child's life, and are allowing society to raise them instead. That in itself is dangerous.

The reason I bring all this up is because another story came out where an 11-year old girl saved her family in a car accident, and she said she knew what to do because of? GTA! My hero! Here's an excerpt, and the full article:

It happened on August 27th around 9pm, as the Norris family of five was heading to Diamond, Illinois to visit relatives. Their 2000 Jeep Grand Cherokee swerved off the road, hitting a guardrail and flipping four times before coming to a stop, caving in the roof and smashing out the back window. With her mother hanging upside down and her father pinned against the steering wheel, 11-year-old Audrey Plique climbed out of the back window and helped her parents and two younger siblings escape the car. The motivation for her heroic act, according to her mother Karen Norris? "She just knew, from playing 'Grand Theft Auto.' She saw on there that when a car rolls over, it can blow up. She knew that could happen to us."

Of course we all know that if a car rolls over it won't immediately burst into flames as depicted in all the GTA games (except IV). But even this act of heroism proves that her parents neglected to check the content of the game before allowing their child to play. The girl thought the car would blow up because that's all she knew. If her parents took an active role and explained that a car would not blow up if flipped over, perhaps she wouldn't have had such an immediate response to the incident. Of course, it is not even debatable of what she would have done if properly educated, either way she was a hero.

Eat it, Jack Thompson.

facing my harsh reality

I don't know what to do and I'm about to pull my hair out.

My boyfriend (Joey) and I have lived together for about a year now, and have been together for two. I love him more than anything and would be absolutely devastated if we broke up.

He held a full-time job at a local company for a year and on January 5th they let him go on a very poorly supported claim. Beside the point that they fired him unjustly, the company is now failing and are downsizing in large numbers. His sister got him the job and she has worked there for (I think) about 3 years. Even she is looking for a new job because the company is just so shitty.

So Joey was fired in January and has been living off of unemployment since. He has been tirelessly looking for every job under the sun and nobody will hire him. We re-wrote him resume. He has been on about a dozen different interviews driving him hundreds of miles between Columbus and Cincinnati. He has applied for jobs he is both qualified and underqualified for, and is now applying for jobs any sixteen year-old could get. He has gotten several hair-cuts and is absolutely handsome all the time. He has been told over and over "You most likely have the job, we'll call you next week." And they never call. He went to places with "Now Hiring" signs, filled out applications, turned them in, and called days later only to be told that they are not hiring. He went to places with "Now Hiring" signs, filled out/turned in the application, called them only to be told that they haven't looked at his application and will call him-- And then don't. He has given his resume to temp agencies only to be told that they have nothing for him. I have spent entire shifts at work looking for jobs online that he would be qualified for. I have brought home (from work) the Sunday classifieds almost on a weekly basis. We have talked to friends and family members only to hear the same things over and over and over again.

We have been doing this for over eight months and we're tired and frustrated. Our lease is up on Halloween, and we have the option of renewing the lease at a higher monthly rate than what we have been paying. We cannot afford to stay where we are, but we can't sign a new lease somewhere else because he doesn't have a job.

A new problem sprang up two days ago when unemployment stopped coming. He only received HALF the amount he has been getting, and there was no warning that his funds would be exhausted. They gave him an ending date of January 29th, 2009, but last time I checked August '08 is WAAAY before January '09.

Our only options are as follows:

1. Assuming he will be employed by the end of September, we can just wait patiently until then and move somewhere a little more affordable.

2. Assuming he doesn't get a job by the end of September, I will have to look for a place of my own, and he will have to move back in with his parents- an hour away.

It kills me. I don't want these to be our only options, but I am not about to financially support someone who is not my spouse or my child. It just is not an option for me. I am barely making it on my own and the last thing I need is to pay for someone else. And he knows this. I just don't know what to do and it's eating away at my every nerve. I am running out of patience and am already starting to feel the heartbreak of moving away from him.

On top of all of this, the local/state economy is falling dramatically. The housing market is death. The credit card crisis has devalued our dollar. Car factories, their part suppliers, distribution plants, and other major retailers are closing. Due to these losses, the demand for jobs has drastically increased as the jobs available has drastically decreased. The only jobs listed in the newspaper and online are either sales, nursing, or skilled labor, and tech-schools are injecting their "hey come spend money you don't have to learn a new skill you don't want" ads in there, too.

I would just say that we should relocate, but we don't have the money to do so and where would we go? We can't just up and leave without any stability, and yet so much can change in just a month and a half.

I'm on the edge. I'm gaining weight. I'm losing sleep. I'm losing my patience.

just what I was looking for

I sent an email to my dad about issues I want to work out with him. Although I know how impersonal emails can be, I just felt that I could better express what I wanted to without letting anger get in the way. The jist of it stated how he's not helping me the way he should be, and it's hurting our relationship. I am currently looking for full-time jobs all around the country for a couple of reasons. Not only is the job market in the local economy bad, but also for the rest of the state. The GM Moraine truck/SUV plant got rid of the 2nd shift, and will be closing before 2010. Many auto-part industries also based out of the region are struggling as well, due to their reliance upon the GM plant. The DHL distribution center in Wilmington will also be closing, giving much of their routes and clients to United Parcel and ASTAR. The media markets are also changing, as Clear Channel has been bought by a private company and CBS radio is selling off 55 of their stations around the country. I want to stay within the Cox-Radio group, but there are limited opportunites and I have no other option but to move away. My dad was not letting go of me and trying to get me to stay here for his own sake. I told him he was being selfish, and it was unfair that he would expect me to stay here because of him. I also told him that in addition to supporting my interest, he needs to start supporting his own. He is just getting used to being home alone all the time, and he's kind-of scratching to get out and explore his life again. Of course there are certain barriers he has to get through first, most importantly he has to establish better future financial stability.

It has taken me a while to compile all of my thoughts about these issues, and I have been hesitant to seriously talk my dad about them in fear that we will just make matters worse, like in the past. The email I sent him was honest and empathetic, and he actually told me he read it several times to fully understand what I was feeling.

We had dinner last night and I think things are going to be ok from now on. Though I have tended to combat everything my dad brings up in coversation and we haven't gotten along for half of my life, it has always been important to me that he give me his blessing. He's my dad, and nothing can change that. I don't think there's anything more empowering than your parents telling you to follow your dreams, and be happy when saying it. Well, he gave me his blessing, encouraged me to follow my dreams, and he was happy while saying it. It showed me that he meant it, and didn't just say it because he knew that's what I wanted to hear. I thanked him. I thanked him profusely, telling him that that's what I needed to hear for 10 years. I just wanted him to be OK with me being out in the big, big world all by myself. And he is. And I love him for it.

I told him that my entire college education as a communications major was based on the fact that he and I for some reason could not break our communication barriers, and I aimed only to figure out why. And I did. In doing so, I earned a college degree and I think my "daddy" issues will finally begin to dissipate.

I could not be happier right now.

I think my mom would be proud.

In Response

I recieved an email yesterday that struck a chord. It wasn't particularly offensive or false, nor did it say anything that I haven't thought of myself. It was about something that everyone can identify with and has a strong opinion about. It is global. It is local. It has permeated our speech but nobody talks about it. Everyone has a solution but nothing is being done.

I'm talking about racism.

The email was from a white person's perspective talking about how they are the ones who are censored the most and thought to be the most racist at the same time. It says how unfair it is that white people aren't allowed to use certain language because it would be considered racist, but other races can get away with using the same language without social penalty.

I agree with this, and I agreed with the email. Of course my description is a lot less offensive than the email, but you get the jist of it. The reason I mention this at all (though I find it to be a continuing problem that not one singular person could fix) is because there IS a solution. The way to identify a solution is to figure out why the problem exists in the first place, and why it continues.

The problem has existed since man has been able to see color and use it as an excuse to separate each other. Then came slavery and human exploitation, and all that crap. Then religion was created to help man better cope with the terrors of life, and IT was exploited. Then like all aspects of life, these exploitations carried on through growing populations and took on new meanings as language and human standards evolved. Lots and lots of things happened, people were offended, and now we're all separated by race, sex, gender, political affiliation, border, occupation, social status, style, paycheck, taste, and name.

Because all this has happened, we have made it personal. We are angry. Our anger is so palpable we have issued laws trying to prevent us from feeling it. But it continues to boil inside of us because nothing is actually being done by being reminded of it every time we turn the corner. We are furthering the problem by not battling the real issues, and covering them up by issuing new laws.

We need change and we need it now.

The only way we can get passed this problem is the same way to get passed any problem: allow it to. We need to stop taking offense to absolutely everything and look at things a little more objectively. The problem is not that we are all racist, it's that we use racist language and talk about how offensive it is. Because language itself is subjective (personal), we take offense to the simplest of phrases without thinking what was actually meant. We're looking for it and finding it everywhere.

What if we stop looking?
What if we start looking passed it and stop taking offense?
Learn, grow, and become better people because of it.

It's like being a little sister. I wasn't cool enough to hang out with my older brothers and their friends because I was their little sister. They would call me names to prove to their friends that they had control over me, and they knew they had control over me because it kept me away. I didn't want to be around them if they were just going to call me names. They knew it worked and continued to do it because it worked. But they were my brothers, and there was nothing in the world that was going to change it. There was also nothing in the world that was going to keep me from wanting to hang out with them. My solution? I rose above the ridicule. I showed them that calling me names wasn't going to keep me away from them, and I stopped taking offense to "hollis" and "horsely" and "that's just my dumb little sister." When I stopped taking offense to the words they were using, they realized they didn't have the same control over me, so they stopped using the language. Today we are the best of friends and I owe it to the fact that we were able to get passed the petty name-calling. Of course they still tease me by calling me "hollis" sometimes, but I know they love me and it is all in good humor.

The way to get passed racist language is to stop using it. It only exists because people keep using it. In a perfect world, I could say "stop using racist language" and people would. If everyone in the world right now stopped using racist language for the rest of their lives, their children would not even know it existed in the first place. Of course it will always exist because there are too many publications citing such language, and I would only hope my children cracked a book once in a while. So it's obviously impossible to eradicate such offensive language, but it's not impossible to stop using it.

We would need to stop using it together, all across the world, at the same time.

But it will never happen because there will always be rapists, there will always be murder and guns, there will always be violence against someone, there will always be an opposing side to good, and there will always be offensive language.

I just choose not to use it.

How about you?

OPEN YOUR EYES

do you care about your life?

do you have about two hours?

watch this.

To the Auto Manufacturers

Dear GM, Toyota, Honda, and the others:

From a professional perspective, I feel terrible for you. You're losing lots of money, employees and clients, and that's never good for business. Considering our entire country (and the rest of the world) relies on transporation and you likely supply 90% of it, everyone else is also struggling. So we're in this together.

From a personal perspective, I probably couldn't be laughing harder. The only reason I am laughing and not empathizing is because your problems are the result of quick expansion and risky behavior, both of which are subjects covered in high school economics. I'm glad you have managed to supply the world with good transportation for so many years and have kept up with times of innovation and prosperity. You have obviously done something right because you've survived for so long. But the markets are falling, you are freaking out, and I'm laughing because of it.

One thing you neglected to look into is the fact that people change and so do their tastes. Did you really think that the internal combustion engine was going to be as popular in 2008 as it was in 1920? Numbers would of course trump my statement and it could easily be proven that yes, the demand for cars today does not even compare to demand back in the 20s. But we didn't know any better back then; we were just as clueless as you were. The only difference is that we have changed and you have not, and now the market is doing its job perfectly.

Here's what I'm wondering: Through all your financial planning, all of your market research, all of the years you've spent in such a lucrative business, how did you not expect a shift in the market? Why did you continue to push the same product every year (regardless of new models) and not prepare for a decline in sales? Especially in the last couple years as this whole "green" thing has taken hold of every other market?!

The transportation industry needs an overhaul, and you are trying everything in your power to prevent one. You have such an opportunity to turn everything around and start making millions again, but you have to succumb to a transitioning marketplace first. Toyota has started with the Prius, and they're making a killing right now. Unfortunately for them, though, hybrids will also be something of the past very shortly as the awareness of the global dependence on crude oil has shifted the consumer's demand for alternative and sustainable energies. I realize that you are only one part of this whole economy mess and there are other things to worry about, but NONE of the economy would operate without the transportation of goods. So you see we are in quite over our heads here, and we have been for entirely too long.

There's a great department that I recommend you use, and it's called Research and Development. It's not hard, and really just takes some creativity and thinking. Why not take some of your existing factory employees and offer them some time within the R&D department? Yes yes, I realize that there are trained professional within your R&D department that would just be getting their toes stepped on, but they'll be fired sooner than later if you don't get some more heads in there. See what the common-man has to say. Interview people. What do WE want? Think of OUR interests and not just those of your wallets and pocketbooks. Be willing to lose money before you gain it again. Stop trying to push a new model every year by remaking (that's right) the models that you know already work. But what about your quotas? Don't set them. Hold some money in your banks-- enough that will cover the cost of a mistake or decline in sales. It's something called 'surplus'-- also something learned in high school economics. If you have money, it's called surplus; if you don't, it's called debt. Keep trying to work within your debt and you'll end up in more debt. And if you get bailed out, someone else will be in debt. Cover your bills. Do some R&D. Get existing employees to have job diversity by offering other positions. Play around with things and most of all, have fun.

We NEED cars. But we also need you to be smart so that we don't fall with you.

Sincerely,
your average consumer who gives a damn.

Same Old Song and Dance

I'm going to regret feeling like this when I'm 40, but what can I possibly do? I suppose I could let go of my past feelings and allow for some wounds to heal, but it's just so complicated.

I have posted before about my rocky relationship with my dad and as expected, it still continues.

He called me Tuesday night asking if I would like to have dinner with him last night (Wednesday), and I agreed. I mean, I never see the guy and the least I could do is visit my own father. After all, he lives only 25 minutes away and he's the only family I have here anymore besides his sisters, both of whom I don't see very often. Plus, I feel bad sometimes that we spend every Sunday evening with Joey's parents and I never make the effort to see my own. But the reason I delay our time together is because of exactly what happened last night: We argued.

I don't know what it is about him that just boils my blood sometimes, but he really likes to put me on the spot. I know I am in control of every feeling I have, but it makes me feel inadequate and dumb. Of course it is never his intention to make me feel bad, but he inevitably pushes all the wrong buttons. I really think it's his approach at trying to talk to me; he doesn't know how else to do it. He assumes too much and puts words in my mouth, and he talks to me like I don't know any better. I'm thirteen again, and I want to run away. Luckily for me, I'm not thirteen and can go to my own home.

I will say one thing and he will hear another. Sometimes I think I'm asking for it by the way I preface things, but I told him that everything around where I grew up was fake. Before I was even able to explain what I meant, he jumped on the opportunity to say "I wish I would have known that's how you felt or I wouldn't have wasted my time" in that childish, pouty tone that I've grown to hate more than anything he has ever said or done to me in my entire life. I had to stop him with an exaggerated "WHAT?!" Then he said "You just said your childhood was a waste of time! If I would have known that before maybe I wouldn't have wasted my own time!" I don't know where he heard me refer to my childhood as a waste of time, but I had to yell at him. And by the way-- we were at LaRosa's during this whole thing. I felt bad for our server because I bet she was hesitant to check up on us... She was nice though, and even if she did hesitate it didn't show in her performance. But I had to stick my finger in his face and yell at him to STOP ASSUMING THINGS! And he didn't even know what I was referring to! I had to tell him what he just said to me and how it was a complete misinterpretation of what I said. I told him to just listen for a minute and allow me to explain what I meant. And of course he still didn't really understand what I was saying and took offense to it, even after reassuring him time and time again that my own personal childhood was great and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

What I meant by "everything around my childhood was fake" was in a societal sense. For example, you drive down the road my dad lives on and see all these beautiful homes with big families and walking dogs and kids running around and happy and la la la hunky-dory funtime. All of that looks good, but on the inside of those homes people are struggling. They're arguing. They're cheating. They're hitting their kids and yelling at them. They're hungry or starving. They're in debt. But the lawn looks good and there's a Corvette in the garage! They're part of a larger societal problem that won't go away unless recognized BY said society. I told him that the stuff on the outside doesn't matter, that it's fake, and I was raised in it. Then he said (and here's another great example of his habit to assume) "Is this because your mom and I argued at home?" NO! no no no no. That's NOT what I said. What I DID say, and I even wrote it here, is that I personally had a great childhood and wouldn't trade it for the world! But the world that I grew up in is fake, and I will not allow myself to follow in that same path. Everyone tries to cover up their inner demons by primping and strutting their stuff, but stuff does not define who you are, and I don't want to be recognized by the things I own. Appearing pretty does not make you pretty, and I will not lie to myself. And I will not fluff my language to make my dad understand. I am brutally honest and sometimes harsh, but I usually mean what I say the first time I say it. And every argument is warranted, so I'm not just making stuff up to get attention.

He also has a hard time accepting the fact that I will not likely carry on whatever "family traditions" he assumes I will take part in. He told me he wants my boyfriend to follow the tradition of laying out his intentions with me. He said (and I quote) "He needs to grow some balls and come talk to me if he intends to spend his future with you." First of all, how am I to influence this interaction? I said "What, am I supposed to say 'hey Joey- grow a pair and talk to my dad about me'?" I yelled at him again. How is Joey to know of my "family traditions" when A) they aren't exactly apparent at our every-now-and-then family get-togethers, and B) they don't exist at all! And another thing, after knowing me for so long why would he assume that I would continue ANY tradition when I've tried so hard to steer away from all of them? And how is his anger warranted if I say I don't want to carry a tradition? Another thing, how does my dad know that Joey doesn't have his own traditions he wants to carry on? I just kinda think it's selfish to expect something from someone if they don't even know to give anything.

Ugh. I guess that's enough for today.

Gross AND Gross

Have you ever had a back pimple?

In case you haven't, let me tell you about the one I found staring back at me this morning... This would be the time to go up to your browser and type in whatever link you choose-- anything is probably better than the story of a back pimple.

So I woke up at my usual time of butt-crack early this morning and hit the porceline goddess. I went to get dressed and put my bra on only to be surprised by a sharp pain where my right strap should lie above my right shoulder blade. Uh-oh.. a pimple. I went back to the bathroom to check out the situation and there, staring straight back at me, was a pinhead-sized eyeball tearing apart my ego. Luckily, It was just within reach and I was able to assess the situation pretty quickly.

I could have let it grow and drew a face on it to give it hypnotic powers like Postulio from Invader Zim, but I would be too afraid I'd end up that one chick with a giant pimple on her back never able to show her face in public again. That would just be debilitating, not to mention enTIRELY too embarassing, even for me.

It all reminds me of an old friend who happened to hit puberty a little too early, especially since she went to a private school. She was a C-cup by the time she was 13, and already had a couple pregnancy scares. I remember looking at her with such admiration for a while because she was a year older and to me, she seemingly knew EVERYTHING it was to be a teenage female. She smoked cigarettes, had a black boyfriend (which was almost unheard of in my white-suburban neighborhood) named Winston (guess what kind of cigarettes she smoked?), she had big knockers, and she was already having sex. But she ALSO had a TON of back pimples for some reason, so I wasn't THAT jealous of her. It was a good thing my parents instilled good values upon me because I never really felt too compelled to follow her actions. Somehow, and I don't know how they did it, but my parents raised me to learn from other peoples' mistakes. I think it was because my oldest brother took the reigns as the "bad" child and you can't have more than one in a family-- it's too much competition.

But I remember going to the pool with this girl and my other best friend, and she would always bitch about her back pimples. She had a little brother who she liked to harass, and she would make him pop them for her! She would torment that kid so much.. I swear he ended up with mental issues because of her. She would yell at him to do her bidding all the time and would make him cry and I always felt really bad for him, even if he was kind-of a dimwit anyway. He farted on her bed one time and she yelled at him to lick it up! And he did it with tears filling his eyes.. I wonder what happened to that kid... man what torture.

That family was so messed up anyways. The parents smoked something like 5 packs of cigarettes a day. The dad reminded me of Eric Clapton, and the step-mom was just awful-scary. You always knew which cigarette butts were hers because she always wore bright pink or red lipstick. They had gigantic parrots and a hoard of dogs and cats. There were also 6 kids in that house ranging from 2-15, four of which were adopted. Three of them were from an inner-family situation where they assummed custody, and the other one was just a normal adoption. But the normally adopted child was a nightmare.. first of all, I don't know to this day if they ever told her she was adopted. Everyone else in the family knew except for her. Second, the last time I saw her was about a year or two ago walking down the street of the neighborhood (I actually think they have moved since then) wearing some skanky outfit with high-heels and Mimi make-up. Glad she grew up just like her older sister... Let's hope she has some sense and pops her own damn back pimples.

Gross.

Letter to my Landlord: The Results

Holly,

Please except my apologies for the burglary of your vehicle. I praise your choice on contacting the police department. Hopefully the more information they can get will allow them to catch this guy as soon as possible. I do understand your frustration regarding the late fees and I will be the first to admit that they are very strict. Unfortunately there is a reason behind the "no grace period". Unlike most communities we are owned by an individual not a big corporation. This means his mortgage is due on the 5th of the month and he uses all the rent received to pay it. The good news is there are other options. I have a form you can fill out in the office for your debit card to be automatically debited on the 1st of the month. Which means if the office is closed on the 1st I will deduct it upon our return. We also offer direct payment out of your checking account. If you set up for this option they do not deduct it until the 3rd of each month. One of the advantages of the debit withdraw is if you run into financial hardship one month, all you have to do is give me a call and ask for me not to deduct it on the first. Of coarse you would still be responsible for late fees but its a little easier that having to call the bank and temporarily freeze an automatic withdrawal. I would like to apologize again about your vehicle and let you know about the other payment options you have with us. In light of your recent problems and outstanding payment history, we have recieved approval to remove the $50 late fee on your account. Please understand that we will be unable to do so in the future for any additional late payments. I know that this does not eliminate your concerns but hopefully it will help restore some of your faith in us.

Respectfully,
[lady in the office]

I won! I won and it felt good. Also, this morning as I was leaving for work, I noticed two township police units monitoring my apartment complex. I not only won, but I also got the strength of the LAW on my side! I'm not a huge cop fan, but I do really enjoy when they work to my benefit.

On another note, I'm feeling the strength of my current anxieties and it's effecting my sleep. I'm having trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep. I think my body is ready to start moving again and I would like to start working out a couple times a week. I just have all this time to myself and I just keep allowing my head to fill with thoughts instead of letting them out. I'm pent up in Ohio and need to branch out immediately. I think I know exactly how Sam felt right before he went to New York for the first time. He just felt trapped, like there was nowhere else to go if he stayed here. When he came back a couple weeks ago from California, he said he was immediately depressed just because of the atmosphere. He missed his new home already and he had only been there about a month or so. Bottom line, I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. I need to get out, and I need to get out promptly.

I just need to find a job somewhere, and so does Joey. Until Friday, I was waiting for Joey to land a job first but his dad convinced me otherwise. He said "why wait for Joe? You go where the job goes. If you find a job, you go there. If Joe finds a job, go there. That's what you gotta do." And he's right. Of all the times he has said "you gotta do this," he was absolutely right about this one. So in following his advice, I'm going to start looking for jobs elsewhere. If I stay here in Ohio, my market is limited. Not only is unemployment in Ohio terrible right now (which is a large contributing factor as to why Joey can't land a job), but the market is split into corporate radio or nothing. I WILL NOT work for Clear Channel for a couple reasons (they ruined radio, basically), and they're located in every major city. So I know any place I go will be mostly dominated by Clear Channel, but in wider markets I will be able to find more profitable, independent radio stations. Or I could stay with Cox, because I do have to say that they are a great company to work for. Yes, they're also a huge corporate company, but I don't think you can really ruin radio if most of your stations air political newstalk material. Biased hosts come and go, and Cox is willing to adjust to that. Clear Channel is not. I also thought of applying for a public access channel. I'm always a fan of non-profits.

Another reason I need to leave this place is because I'm so sick of the inactivity of this state. If you want to have fun in Ohio, you have to unbury it because your choices are the mall, a generic restaurant, and television. Yes, there are bars and clubs and such, but I'm not too into that kind of crowd. I don't like seeing over-primped drunk bitches and their equally drunk single male counter-parts mingling with each other.. it's just a mess. I get embarassed for characters in movies; it kills me to see it in real life. Plus it's expensive to have fun at a bar, and it's impossible to have fun at a bar if you're not drunk. Unless you like sports. But people drink to enhance their sports-watching, so even that's out. I just want a yard that I can sit out in and sip my lemonade during the day, and watch the stars at night. I know I can do that now on my back patio, but there's this giant flood light that I have no control over that seriously makes it feel like the apocolypse outside. So we don't sit out there... needless to say, we don't have to turn our porch light on.

Off to more things..

peace and stir crazy

Tribute to George Carlin

We just got George Carlin: Jammin' in New York on Netflix. It was in our queue, and he just happened to also die a couple days ago. Weird coincidences.

We just got finished watching it and MAN that guy was funny.. it was a good start to my day. I share many of his same views and really think he had a big influence on more people than the media would be willing to look into. I really enjoy life-affirming anecdotes... so here I share my favorite from his Jammin' in New York HBO Special.

[I couldn't embed the video because the person who posted the video pulled the embed code.]

Semantics anyone?

Ok Ok.. so the Supreme Court ruled today (yes, june 26, 2008-- over 200 years after the constitution was written, just so we're on the same page here) that individuals are allowed to have a gun as means of protection in their home. Let me say it again:

The Supreme Court ruled today (yes, june 26, 2008-- over 200 years after the constitution was written, just so we're on the same page here) that individuals are allowed to have a gun as means of protection in their home.

Anyone?

Ridiculous.

Here's the article.

Another Piece of the Puzzle

Just found this article about a fossil that may play an integral role in figuring out how fish became land-dwellers. It's not that entertaining, just interesting.

So I've thought about evolution and what that means for human beings as they exist today. I have a prediction for the future of mankind, and it's not seemingly impossible. So, we've been on the planet for what, a couple thousand years? And considering our current calculations of how long it takes for evolution to take place in one species, we have yet to see it occur before our own eyes. We have evidence of it and can draw conclusions from our findings, but the only way of reaching a global understanding of it would be to see it happen to our own species.

We are smart. We are VERY smart. But we don't know what to do with our intelligence. Yes, we've made great advances as far as technology goes, but all we've proven thus far is how much money we can make and what that means in terms of status. Basically, we've proven how awesome we are. Woopty-frickin-doo. We are currently in an age of transition, which makes sense when looking at the grand scheme of things. We are searching for sustainable energy sources to ween ourselves off the use of oil. We have networked the entire planet, allowing us to communicate with anyone, anywhere, whenever we want. We're able to foresee weather patterns, economic patterns, and social patterns. This is great and all, but the only thing we do with this information is make money and move it around.

I see us moving towards a more advanced society in the next couple hundred years. And not just advanced in technology, but intellectually. I see the next step in human evolution taking us towards a more SUPER human state, but not in the way you would think. When we think "super-human," we think of -well- Superman and other such fictional comic book characters. I see humans realizing what real conservativism is and how is really doesn't relate to any political agenda. We will understand how to use the movement of markets to benefit EVERYONE (including the planet) and not just the choice numb-nuts running those markets. The super-humans will look at us humans NOW and we will appear hedonistic, selfish, wasteful, paranoid, and just plain ignorant. Oh isn't that funny- we humans today think species before us are ignorant because they don't have free-will! But that's evolution.. I bet insects mocked single-celled organisms for centuries.

I think most of the planet will not believe in a higher power as more evidence of evolution is found and larger spans of the universe are explored. Religion will be something of the past but will be talked about and studied as a primitive system of thought. It will not be cast off as a waste of time, but will be looked at as a stepping stone to the intricate understandings of life. It will be looked at as a means of coping with life as it inevitably leads to death, and as means of motivating large communities to be genuinely good. But the people of the future WILL be genuinely good without the need of collective spiritual thought. They will be able to measure their impact on the planet and the impact their actions have on other people, allowing them to adjust their behaviors in a way that help the greater good. People will be more globally conscious and won't get caught up on every-day semantics that prevent us from progressing and just lead to conflict. We will learn how to work with nature and not against it. We will be primarily vegetarian because we will realize how harmful the every-day consumption of meat is on our digestive systems. People will also realize how hypocritical it is to save a deer from the ocean only to turn around and stuff their face with a hamburger from the local food chain.

I predict that large food scares will also drive the markets towards locally raised food. Notice how many recalls we've had in the last couple years? NONE of them effected the organic food supply because there are strict regulations placed on organic farmers/producers that really prevent the common occurence of human error and carelessness (which I believe is why we have had so many salmonella outbreaks in the commercial food supply). By owning the organic label, food producers are forced to actually LOOK (no way) at what goes out into the supermarkets, otherwise they face a severe penalty and have to pay a large fine. THAT is food regulation at its finest and people of the future will embrace it.

The Mayan calendar ends in 2012, which many believe will be the end of the world. I don't think ANYONE can predict that, and my boyfriend and I believe 2012 was the end of their calendar because that's the day they ran out of tools. But regardless of whether we will be wiped off the face of the planet in five years or not, we will be moving towards a more advanced society and will likely flourish until we wipe ourselves out, whether it be from pollution or mass plague. The sociologists who built the foundation of modern sociology predicted these same things, that we are currently in a mode of mass transition and will likely continue for the next couple centuries. All we can do today is make sure tomorrow is brighter so our great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren can look back and say "thanks."

Letter to my Landlord

Hey Natalynne--

So now MY car has been broken into (I already went to the Miami Township police and filed a report). They stole all of my CDs, which were probably worth a couple hundred dollars, and luckily nothing else because I cleaned my car out the other day. I think there is either someone living in the complex out to rob the rest of your tenants, or there is an unending flow of pedestrians just wandering the place with nothing better to do than commit petty theft. Either way, I'm left uneasy and unsure of how to interpret the safety of the area.

Now, I'm not one to complain about little issues because they tend to have little to no importance in the grand scheme of things, plus, if I did report all issues, I would not be taken seriously and seen as overreacting. I also don't report all issues because I like to give the benefit of the doubt. But when those issues outweigh my concern, I believe it's time to mention them. Back in January, we were one day late on our rent because of an assumption that the office would be closed on the first (due to it being a national holiday). Well, we were obviously wrong and had to pay the late fee, in which we were completely willing because it was our mistake in making that assumption. We're always willing to admit that we are wrong. Last month, though, I feel that we were ripped off. I always abide by the rules by paying all my bills on time and don't gripe if I do have to pay a late fee, but this is the first time I feel I was served an injustice. I understand the rules laid out in the lease and don't expect to be treated differently from any other tenant, and I also respect your role as enforcer of those rules. My position is this-- the first fell on a Sunday last month, and unsure of whether anyone would be there, my boyfriend and I walked down to the office with our rent check in-hand. Well, being closed on Sunday, nobody was there. We looked around for the drop-box and could not find it, and we were not about to just leave the check there in good faith that it would be received the next day. Of course we could not call the office or email anyone for answers, so we went back home with the check hoping to explain the situation the next day and be relieved of the late fee. I was absolutely shocked the next day when I had to pay the fee because I didn't feel it was my fault for not seeing or knowing about the drop box. If I had known there was a drop box, or that the slit in the wall behind the pillar was the drop box, there would be no issue. When the drop-box was pointed out to me after this whole ordeal, I realized that it looks like an un-used mail slot that leads to nothing but a hole in the wall. Yes, I was told it was written in the lease, but there is no label on it, and I'm sure the few people who were not told about it upon signing would make the same mistake as we did.

I'm not looking to pick a fight or demand something I'm not entitled to, but I'm beginning to develop a negative opinion about where I'm living. I'm sure the rules are enforced as strictly as they are because of the area we're located, but I believe that genuinely good tenants deserve (heaven forbid) one day of leniency. I wish for you guys to consider re-writing that part of the lease, allowing tenants just one day during their entire leasing agreement to be obsolved of a late fee, all in good faith that they will pay on time every other time (in other words, if rent is due on the first of every month, I should be allowed to be late only once during my 12-month leasing agreement, allowing me to pay on the second wihout the fee. If I am late on the first any other time, I should be required to pay.) The only reason I propose this to you is because I think it is a mistake to completely dismiss the event of human error. Never once have I been penalized for being only one day late on rent, and it has NEVER been more than a $25 fee for even the second day late. I know you personally did not write the rules and you are only doing your job, but your boss should know that his rules are a bit ridiculous, especially considering the age of the complex and the neighborhood it is located in (I work at a news station.. I know what goes on around here). And if it is argued that this really is a nice place to live, then why do I have to fear for the safety of my vehicle in a private parking lot?

I don't want to harm your reputation by leaving with a negative attitude, as I believe you do offer very superb services. Your maintenance guys have always come within a day of the initial call, and you girls in the office are always incredibly nice and helpful. I just think some of the stricter policies should be reconsidered to allow for happier tenants and a better company. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope you mention it to the owner.

Confessions of a College Graduate

As expected, I was bombarded with a myriad of questions asking about my future. And here I am to answer all of them!

No, I don't know what I'm doing now that I'm out of school.

No, I don't know where I want to be in five years-- either still in radio, or running my own game store/cafe.

Yes, I will keep working at my current job, and I have yet to explore my options as far as radio stations go.

No, they can't offer me full-time here because it is not in their budget (so they say..) and Yes, that means I will have to pick up more hours and probably move on in November if they still haven't offered it to me.

I don't know what else I want to do, and I don't have any plans for this summer.

I have considered the option of moving out of state-- but I'm not sure which state. California maybe.. Arizona.. NC.. Kentucky.. Illinois..


As far as long-term goals, I DO know what I want to do by the end of my lifetime (and by no means in this order):

-Run my own radio station
-Build my own house, all with recycled/sustainable materials powered with wind/solar/water energy.
-Buy a building and run my own game store/hooka cafe
-Buy a motorcycle (or scooter) for local travel
-Grow/raise as much of my own food as possible
-Build a recording studio in my basement (after I build my house)
-Build a solar-powered vehicle

All I want to do right now is be lazy and sleep all day. I have no goals in mind, and I'm OKAY with that. I've spent the last eighteen years in a social institution and I think I owe it to myself to relax and rid my mind/body of all anxiety. I may start meditating, and I definitely want to sell a bunch of my crap. I need to do a garage sale... and clean out my car. I have too much junk, and I think it's time to do some personal cleansing. I want to start working out again and see if it's actually possible to get this adult body into a size 9. I'll probably be cutting the dreadlocks off soon, because it is hot outside and they drive me nuts. A trip out to Hollywood to visit Sammy should happen this summer, and possibly on the way I should visit Adam in Chicago.

It is a time of personal exploration, and I plan to have as much fun as I possibly can. I want to go to the Hoffbrauhaus down in Newport tonight.. hopefully we can get a crew together.. that would be fun.

food and on to the other studio for another 4 hours of mundane newstalk nonsense.

Hooray for Child Obesity

I found this article on Digg talking about childhood obesity and how the rates are enormous these days. The article says that there is actually some hope.. the numbers have plateaued, which is good but it's not great. It's good because that means rates have not risen for the first time since this whole epidemic has come to be. It's not great though, because it means rates haven't fallen, and that's what we want to happen.

I don't really want to talk more about child obesity, as it's not exactly a happy-time conversation, but I have one opposition to what they had to say in the article.

"And perhaps most important, teachers, mentors and public role models are fighting it as they help kids navigate a culture that fosters fat but idealizes thin and as they teach them that what truly counts is getting themselves as fit as their body type and genes allow—and then loving that body no matter what."

Don't we already idealize a thin culture? I mean, you don't see people picking up magazines plastered with fatties in bakinis. You don't see anything but beautiful, thin, and sometimes half plastic. Aren't these images purely idealistic? Don't hundreds of thousands of teenage-girls force themselves to become bulemic/anorexic because of these idealistic images? Not to mention, everything revolves around "appearing" pretty and thin.. I just find it completely back-assward to promote ideal thinness when it has been promoted since Hugh Heffner made his first Playboy. We shouldn't promote the specific image of "thin," rather we should promote a lifestayle that is healthy. If you are healthy, you are going to be thin as a result. You may not be skinny, per se, but you will be thin. You may not have bulging muscles and abs you could grate cheese on, but you will be lean and healthy.

I think this is another example of how the human mentality works.. We only pay attention to the extreme sides of the spectrum and believe that if something isn't this way, it HAS to be that way. But I understand how hard it is to live completely in the middle of the spectrum, because then you would be impartial to all things and that's just boring. As far as this whole obesity thing goes, we think that since 70% of Americans are fat, we have to reverse everything to make everyone thin. Here, our continuum is:

FAT<-------------------->SKINNY

We either have to be fat, or we have to be skinny. It's never good enough for us to be slightly pudgy, or just in the middle. "We're fat? Oh Let's be skinny!" No, let's get healthy first. Healthy is not just a good report from your doctor, it's a lifestyle you need to maintain. And it's not something that can be issued overnight. You have to work at it and not subscribe to these lousy hollywood diets. Know that it takes 15-20 minutes for your stomach to tell your brain when you're full, so eat slower. Put down the fork between bites. Eat with someone else so you can talk and delay your next bite. Just changing your over-all eating behavior can make a huge difference. And if you want to lose a certain amount of weight, be realistic. Don't say you're going to lose 20lbs in a week because that's just not realistic. Smaller goals are much easier and a lot healthier for your body and mind.

Hollistic healing/medicine is also a great way to become healthier. It forces you to stay in-tune with your body's health. When something hurts or just doesn't feel right, take that as a sign to do something about it. You know that you won't go to the doctor for a sore throat until your voice is gone and you can barely talk, but it could have been prevented. Don't ignore your symptoms, or you'll be spending a lot more on medical bills than you ever wanted to. That is what herbal supplements are for. Getting sick? take a Vitamin-C pill in the morning when you wake up, and before you go to be. Each pill has about 1000% the daily recommended value, so one is really enough. But you want to kick your immune system into high-gear to flush out this cold, so trust me-- it works. Also-- drink lots of echinacea tea with honey, because echinacea is good for immunity support, and honey has been proven to cure basic cold/flu symptoms better than over-the-counter drugs. Get plenty of sleep and if you smoke, just give it up for a couple days. If you drink, just give it up for a couple days. Take care of yourself. Your frivolities will be there right when you pick them back up.

peace and healthy living

POTencies rise; speculation stay the same

Alright. I'm all for researching the effects of pot on people, and I'm all for having our tax dollars be spent on these studies. What I'm NOT for, on the other hand, is going ahead with these studies knowing the results will likely reflect those of the past.

This study from the UK found that the potency of marijuana has doubled since the mid-80s, and from 8.6% to 9.7% in the last couple years. They found all this out, but they STILL have no conclusive evidence that pot is worse for you than your run-of-the-mill stimulants (caffeine, nicotene)!

But there's no data showing that a higher potency in marijuana leads to more addiction, Earleywine said, and marijuana's withdrawal symptoms are mild at best. "Mild irritability, craving for marijuana and decreased appetite — I mean those are laughable when you talk about withdrawal from a drug. Caffeine is worse."

Let's look at that last line again-- "those are laughable when you talk about withdrawl from a drug. Caffiene is worse." RESEARCHERS say caffiene is worse, yet, Starbucks is allowed to capitalize on our addiction. Of course, Starbucks is the least of our worries on a global perspective, but it's just not fair!

How can the government make pot illegal, yet carry out illegal procedures themselves every single day?! The only reason this pisses me off is because as long as pot is illegal, our prisons will continue to be overpopulated with non-violent "criminals." As soon as a nonviolent criminal is placed behind bars, s/he carries the same social status as violent offenders, such as murderers, rapists, and thieves. To say that social status doesn't matter would be ignorant, as we all know how influential society can be. So when a non-violent offender is now labeled a violent offender, they are more likely to commit violent crimes. Hence- a raise in crimes and the perpetuation of an unethical, illogical system.

And as long as it's illegal, good people have to keep sneaking around like they're criminals.

Phooey.

I am smarter than you!

No, I only jest. But a British study is making no joke, as it revealed people with higher IQs are less likely to believe in "God"!

"Professor Richard Lynn said most primary school children believed in God, but as they entered adolescence - and their intelligence increased - many started to have doubts."

As far as I can remember, I always had doubts. I was raised Catholic, which means we were the typical C&E (Christmas & Easter) church-goers. But of course, my parents wanted us to be raised with a well-rounded faith, so they tried to drag us to church more than just twice a year. Not only did I express my unwillingness to go when I was young (just like every other kid who is dragged into a building wreaking of nostril-burning perfume and cheap alcohol), but I also never felt right sitting in the pews, asking some invisible sky-man to forgive me of the sins I had yet to commit! Also, this "god" was a stranger to me (as s/he is to all others because has ANYONE REALLY met god?), and it was confusing to be told to go TOWARDS this stranger when I was told to stay away from all other strangers. When you're a kid, a stranger is a stranger and you don't exactly have the cognitive ability to distinguish between a "good" and "bad" stranger. The whole experience just did not "speak" to me the way my parents said it would, and I just could never get a firm grasp on the concept of a higher power. If s/he's SOO powerful and all-knowing, why has s/he not made an earthly appearance?

Therein lies faith: what is faith? Does faith have to be associated with the devine? Because I definitely have faith, just not in an invisible sky-god. I have faith in people- that they will do what their brains tell them for no other reason than to follow their own convictions. I have faith in my family- that they will always come through for me if I need them and love me for who I am for as long as I am. I have faith in my boyfriend- that he will treat me with respect, and love and support me until given a reason not to. I have faith that good things come to those who wait. And I have faith that people will follow their own path, and not give in to social propoganda and harmful facades.

"Professor Lynn, who has provoked controversy in the past with research linking intelligence to race and sex, said university academics were less likely to believe in God than almost anyone else."

I'm graduating from college on Saturday. You can put that puzzle together.

Bill Maher is Religulous

I'm a big fan of social opposition, especially when it concerns views of religion. I ESPECIALLY love when well-known people (Bill Maher) make a point of bringing people out of their comfort zone and debunk real phenomena.

The Advocacy of Health Food

I love food. I love all kinds of food, and I am not one to pass up a great food opportunity. But in making my own choices and developing my own tastes, I have transformed my entire food mentality.

I was raised on home-cooked meals and I continue to cook at home today. It was rare for us to splurge on take-out, and we actually made a family ordeal out of cooking dinner and doing the dishes. There were five of us, so we each took a night of the week and cooked for the rest of the family. I remember the first time my night came to cook, and my brothers will not let me forget it. I thought it would be a great idea to take these hard, little breadsticks and melt cheese over them. Little to my knowledge at the time, breadsticks are not a meal by any means-- especially for a family of five. ESPECIALLY the kind of breadsticks that these were.. they came in a huge plastic bag and they were almost meant to be used as a crunchy salad addition. So basically, croutons for dinner. I was (still am) much of an inventor of sorts, and would always have a vision in my head to work towards, even in the kitchen. I have NO IDEA the vision I had in mind that night, all I know is that we ended up not having breadsticks for dinner. And BTW- humor was common-place in the house, so this was one of many scenarios that we will not let each other forget.

While growing up, we never had many sweets in the house. We would have a pack of cookies here or there, or a half-gallon of ice-cream on the weekend. But desserts and overly sweet foods were not often seen in our house. When I began developing into the young woman I would eventually become, I also began to eat less healthy and less at home. I also gained weight and was like the many awkwardly developing teens with low self-esteem. I attribute a lot of my weight gain and non-food-sense to the addictive qualities of soda. It's soo tasty, yet, so unhealthy. But as the human tendency is to indulge oneself, I drank entirely too much pop. The moment I decided to drop some pounds was after seeing a picture of myself at my 8th grade graduation party. My brother had just graduated from high school and I was on my way IN to high school. We had a double celebration in the month of June and invited all of our friends and family. My mom baked cupcake-cakes for both of us, and I helped decorate the two cakes with various icings and sprinkles. The moment came when my mom wanted to take a picture of us holding our pretty cakes, so we sat on the couch and gave our best shit-eating grin that we could; I was gonna EAT that cake! The result: mom had the pictures developed and my thighs/arms were the only things I could see beyond the colorful cake the sat in my lap. I. WAS. A. FATTY. I vowed to lose weight, and I began exercising and cutting things out of my diet- most importantly, soda. I lost 30lbs in a couple months, and I've since then grown into my body and slimmed down to an acceptable size. I am by no means "skinny" but I am thin, squishy, flixible, and happy. I figure, as long as I'm flexible and squishy, my body is more able to adapt to the ever-changing environmental conditions.

Two years into college I dated this guy who had been around the block a couple dozen times and was also very knowledgable of vegetarian/vegan diets. He taught me about the dangers of hydrogenated oils and high-fructose corn syrup, and the benefits of eating foods with the fewest ingredients. I became an avid label reader and tried to avoid all foods with the bad oils and corn syrups, and tried to eat more foods with very basic ingredients. We lived together for about 8 months and I have to say that they were the most influential 8 months of my life. It transformed my entire mentality about the food industry, and I was able to draw linkages between the food market and societal issues, especially those related to human health. I swore off fast-food, soda, companies with monopolistic tendencies, giant restaurant chains, and commercial food.

I also learned the value of a dollar and what it means beyond having the ability to spend it. He said in a very profound statement, "you vote with your dollar." Well, he had to explain exactly what he meant and he was absolutely right. My dollar has the ability to tell one company that I support what they do, what they sell, where they're located, how they treat their customers/employees, and their over-all business in that particular economy. By giving one company my dollar, I am telling them that I agree with their moral practices and that they should continue to do what they do.

In learning the value of my hard-earned dollar, I began buying/eating organic and all-natural foods ONLY. I read up on organic agriculture and how its practices are largely monitored and kept in-check. The labels are even different, in that they try to sell the benefits of the product and not just the product itself. A misconception about organic food is that it lacks good flavor. There are SOME all-natural foods that I won't eat because they are very lax in the flavor department, but I would argue that the majority organic/all-natural foods taste better than commercial foods. It does take some time to get used to and a time of transition is to be expected. Like any diet, you can't just dive in and expect results the next day. You have to give yourself time to get used to the diet and knowing someone who has already gone through the transition helps a lot, too. Someone who has no idea about organic food will have a hard time finding things that taste really good. Of course, you have to do it by trial and error to see what real flavors you DO enjoy.

There is another group of foods that I avoid, and that's the reduced fat/low-cal/low-sodium/fat free foods. Just because the labels says it's "fat-free" doesn't mean they didn't put other chemicals in there to make it "fat-free." Here's a great article about these foods and the reasons they are actually very bad for your over-all health.

I could go on and on about proper health because it's a very important aspect of my life. And I think a lot of people avoid peoper health tips because they believe they have to make a major life-change. From my own experience, it has changed my life and has given me a more optimistic approach to my future. I'm 22 years old, and I eat healthier than 70% of Americans. Now, this is not to say I don't eat a LOT, because I do. That's just because organic food tastes SOO good.

Love, Bizarro

Alright, so I've come to love Dan Piraro's Bizarro comic and blog, and I would recommend it to anyone. It's humorous commentary on the phenomena of reality leaves you with a feeling of redemption and guilt, feelings comparable to a sunny day-off filled to the brim with love and candy bars. He and his crazy half-nekked wife live in an apartment in Brooklyn, NY.. feeding on plants and advocating the equal treatment of animals.. and his tasty little single-paneled stories are --simply put-- awesome. He's also athiest, so of course I'm gonna talk about like-minded people, and I really enjoy the fact that he sneaks his opinion into his works.

Like this one.
And this one.
And this new one.

I don't really have much else to say. I just wanted to give tribute to my current favorite cartoon artist.

It may still be too soon to be this sad

My kitty has been gone for over two days and I am worried and sad. I came home from work last night around 6:30 and cried until I went to bed at 11. Of course it wasn't literally the whole time, but needless to say, I was a mess. OVER A CAT! I kept shoving my face in my boyfriend's chest and made his t-shirt all spotty with tears. It was pathetic. I've never really been in this position before, and I can't even imagine where he would be.

That actually sparks something for me.. where do our pets go when we can't find them for a long time, and they come back all of a sudden happy as the day they left? I'd like to read some theories, so if you have any, please share.

I imagine Heffer sneaking off around the fence, humming the 007 theme song as he trots down the sewer to meet his buddies. I see him arriving in a setting similar to the one depicted in the picture of the dogs playing poker, except they're all cats. They're smoking cigars and drinking whiskey, bitching about how their owner forgot to feed them the day before and that's why they're hanging out there. They say they don't hold grudges, but I know they do.. cheeky bastards. And going off of this logic, Heffer is probably pissed at me for throwing him off the desk the other day and this is my punishment. And the only reason they return happy again is because they're all hopped up on that reefer! And they never share either.. greedy pieces of crap!

I told Joey that if Heffer doesn't come back, we're getting a puppy. Rachelle says there are some puggles across the hall from the hippie-stand, and I might just have to check them out! That's right CAT! If you've somehow evolved and are reading this, I'm already negotiating your replacement! HA! (please come back... I miss you..)

peace and sad day

Still Reading about the Economic Hitman

I posted a while ago about this book that I've been reading called "Confessions of an Economic Hitman" by John Perkins. The reason it has taken me so long to read it is because it's so very depressing and I can only take it in small doses. I would recommend it to anyone because it's written so truthfully and you really feel bad for Perkins throughout, but it's terrible the things he got paid to do. The depressing part is that he realized how terrible his actions were but continued doing them despite how many lives he probably destroyed in the process. And for what? Money. He has since been out of the business, but what makes the book ever-so shocking is how easily he was able to persue his tasks under direct command by the US government. I want to write an excerpt from the book... to share with you the dilemma he faced.

"Beyond my own personal dilemmas, my times in Colombia also helped me comprehend the distinction between the old American republic and the new global empire. The republic offered hope to the world. Its foundation was moral and philosophical rather than materialistic. It was based on concepts of equality and justice for all. But it also could be pragmatic, not merely a utopian dream but also a living, breathing, magnanimous entity. It could open its arms to shelter the downtrodden. It was an inspiration and at the same time a force to reckon with; if needed, it could swing into action, as it had during World War II, to defend the principles for which it stood. The very institutions- the big corporations, banks, and government bureaucracies- that threaten the republic could be used instead to institute fundamental changes in the world. Such institutions possess the communications networks and transporation systems necessary to end disease, starvation, and even wars- if only they could be conviced to take that course.

The global empire, on the other hand, is the republic's nemesis. It is self-centered, self-serving, greedy, and materialistic, a system based on mercantalism. Like empires before, its arms open only to accumulate resources, to grab everything in sight and stuff its insatiable maw. It will use whatever means it deems necessary to help its rulers gain more power and riches."

I've said before that I believe this country had great opportunity when Columbus discovered this land. It was immediately ruined when the Pilgrims came with their heads full of new freedoms and opportunity. They didn't think. They didn't know what we do now (duh) and they set a precedence. They spread new traditions and diseases. They created immediate inequality when they disbarred the "red man." Then they turned to the dust and played 'cowboys and indians' for a couple hundred years. Then they starting bringing African men and women over here because they heard they could turn more profit with slavery. It was all about the money then, and it continues to be about the money now. With the Africans came malaria and AIDS. It was about black-vs-white and red-vs-white. Then people started thinking and it resulted in the Civil War. Then it was red-vs-white, black-vs-white, and white-vs-white with the north against the south. Then there was the Underground Railroad when Harriet Tubman thought that her efforts would free runaway slaves from a life full of torture, hatred, distrust, and abuse. She didn't realize that the white-man would NEVER EVER EVER treat her people with the love, honesty, and loyalty that they truly deserved. Even to this day in March of 2008, well beyond the years we thought we would even exist, racism and discrimination run rampant, but now on a global scale. We are called "the land of plenty" where we can choose our own path and pick from the fruit of our nation's loins. We think about now, about instant satisfaction without thinking of the consequences. We discovered the use of oil and began tapping the earth only to suck it dry. People say there's plenty of it, but our planet is only so big and oil doesn't generate itself faster than we consume it. But we don't think about that. My aunt told me the other day, and this does not surprise me, that there is a "peak" oil level-- and we have gone passed the peak. This means we are on our way to running out. We assume that whatever hasn't already been taken is ours and ours only. We plant a flag and draw an imaginary line to CLAIM IN THE NAME OF ME.. not allowing anyone else to benefit unless they pay for it. Then we don't think about what effects our consumption has on the planet and each other. We don't CARE that Mother Earth created us and we're destroying it in a "thank-you" card.

We are going to kill ourselves off, you must realize. This is not a paranoid side effect of the copius amounts of smoke that I pot. It's the truth. One way or another, we will end our own existence. And for what? For a bigger paycheck.. for diamonds and jewels that made us happy for only the moment they were purchased.. for furs and glamour.. stretch Hummer 2's and i-Phones.. celebrity status and parties with Hef.. We think having nice cars, homes and clothes makes us "better" because that's what we see on TV. We buy buy BUY and don't know how to balance a checkbook. There's something wrong with that. I have a couple theories as to how we will cause our own extinction:

1. Robot Apocolypse: not in the sense that you may think where actual robots take over the world to spite their human creators. I mean in the sense that because we have come to rely so heavily on the use of computers, and other such technologies, that a mistake WILL happen somewhere and a glitch in the system will go unnoticed. We know how catastophic a tiny glitch can be, as it can cause mass hysteria-- a side-effect of human nature. Remember Y2K? Yea- didn't happen. But you know what did? millions of people started stocking food and water.. they came up with family plans as far as where to go and what to do. People started preparing for a small apocolypse, all because we WEREN'T SURE if computers would make the 2000 switch when the year turned at midnight. All it would take is what was depicted in "Fight Club" to tear down some corporations and eventually the millions of people who have their lives invested in them.

2. Environmental Catastrophe: If the first one doesn't happen, this one will be the next likely. If we continue doing what we have been doing without changing our behavior, we will run out of natural resources and turn the globe into a sizzling ball of radiation and sludge. Although I think it would take a long time for us to actually die off from these bahaviors because humans are the most adaptable animals in the entire kingdom, it will happen.. eventually. As we consume and consume and consume, we neglect our lands and refuse to replace what we've taken from them because the work is "too hard." It's easier to take than it is to give, and that's exactly what we're going to do until we either realize the consequences of these behaviors, or just run ourselves off the planet. We cut and burn down thousands of acres of trees and rainforest every day and use the lumber for buildings and businesses and furniture and back-yard playgrounds for our children. We even use natural resources to fuel the vehicles used to cut down the trees. So we're not only cutting down our source of oxygen, we're thickening the air with the exhaust that comes from the vehicles we use in order to cut the trees down. Not only that, but by cutting down trees, we're cutting down entire ecosystems. And we don't even empathize! How would we feel if aliens came down and took over the planet just because we were weaker and they could use our planet for their own bidding? We would HATE it! We would try whatever we could in order to fight them off and probably lose because if they had resources to get to our planet, I'm sure they would have enough to destroy it.

3. the fall of Global Empire: ALL EMPIRES HAVE FAILED. We're already on our way to this status as the US tries to police everyone else. With the 5 powers of the world, we will likely unite.. rape and pillage.. and fall together. How nice. There are talks of an international ID card and currency. The Euro is already used in Europe, and the US is on the way of producing the Amero in order to unite Canada, the US, and Mexico. And then there are talks of a computer chip being inserted in our children as soon as next year. Like I said- ALL EMPIRES HAVE FAILED and we are no smarter or different. We're smarter as far as technologies go, but we still exhibit human behavior with instincts to compete and win.

WE CANNOT BE NAIIVE TO OUR OWN BEHAVIORS AND THINK EVERYTHING WILL BE OK.

THINGS WILL CATCH UP, AND WE WILL LOSE. Sad, but true.

peace and hope