In Response

I recieved an email yesterday that struck a chord. It wasn't particularly offensive or false, nor did it say anything that I haven't thought of myself. It was about something that everyone can identify with and has a strong opinion about. It is global. It is local. It has permeated our speech but nobody talks about it. Everyone has a solution but nothing is being done.

I'm talking about racism.

The email was from a white person's perspective talking about how they are the ones who are censored the most and thought to be the most racist at the same time. It says how unfair it is that white people aren't allowed to use certain language because it would be considered racist, but other races can get away with using the same language without social penalty.

I agree with this, and I agreed with the email. Of course my description is a lot less offensive than the email, but you get the jist of it. The reason I mention this at all (though I find it to be a continuing problem that not one singular person could fix) is because there IS a solution. The way to identify a solution is to figure out why the problem exists in the first place, and why it continues.

The problem has existed since man has been able to see color and use it as an excuse to separate each other. Then came slavery and human exploitation, and all that crap. Then religion was created to help man better cope with the terrors of life, and IT was exploited. Then like all aspects of life, these exploitations carried on through growing populations and took on new meanings as language and human standards evolved. Lots and lots of things happened, people were offended, and now we're all separated by race, sex, gender, political affiliation, border, occupation, social status, style, paycheck, taste, and name.

Because all this has happened, we have made it personal. We are angry. Our anger is so palpable we have issued laws trying to prevent us from feeling it. But it continues to boil inside of us because nothing is actually being done by being reminded of it every time we turn the corner. We are furthering the problem by not battling the real issues, and covering them up by issuing new laws.

We need change and we need it now.

The only way we can get passed this problem is the same way to get passed any problem: allow it to. We need to stop taking offense to absolutely everything and look at things a little more objectively. The problem is not that we are all racist, it's that we use racist language and talk about how offensive it is. Because language itself is subjective (personal), we take offense to the simplest of phrases without thinking what was actually meant. We're looking for it and finding it everywhere.

What if we stop looking?
What if we start looking passed it and stop taking offense?
Learn, grow, and become better people because of it.

It's like being a little sister. I wasn't cool enough to hang out with my older brothers and their friends because I was their little sister. They would call me names to prove to their friends that they had control over me, and they knew they had control over me because it kept me away. I didn't want to be around them if they were just going to call me names. They knew it worked and continued to do it because it worked. But they were my brothers, and there was nothing in the world that was going to change it. There was also nothing in the world that was going to keep me from wanting to hang out with them. My solution? I rose above the ridicule. I showed them that calling me names wasn't going to keep me away from them, and I stopped taking offense to "hollis" and "horsely" and "that's just my dumb little sister." When I stopped taking offense to the words they were using, they realized they didn't have the same control over me, so they stopped using the language. Today we are the best of friends and I owe it to the fact that we were able to get passed the petty name-calling. Of course they still tease me by calling me "hollis" sometimes, but I know they love me and it is all in good humor.

The way to get passed racist language is to stop using it. It only exists because people keep using it. In a perfect world, I could say "stop using racist language" and people would. If everyone in the world right now stopped using racist language for the rest of their lives, their children would not even know it existed in the first place. Of course it will always exist because there are too many publications citing such language, and I would only hope my children cracked a book once in a while. So it's obviously impossible to eradicate such offensive language, but it's not impossible to stop using it.

We would need to stop using it together, all across the world, at the same time.

But it will never happen because there will always be rapists, there will always be murder and guns, there will always be violence against someone, there will always be an opposing side to good, and there will always be offensive language.

I just choose not to use it.

How about you?

OPEN YOUR EYES

do you care about your life?

do you have about two hours?

watch this.

To the Auto Manufacturers

Dear GM, Toyota, Honda, and the others:

From a professional perspective, I feel terrible for you. You're losing lots of money, employees and clients, and that's never good for business. Considering our entire country (and the rest of the world) relies on transporation and you likely supply 90% of it, everyone else is also struggling. So we're in this together.

From a personal perspective, I probably couldn't be laughing harder. The only reason I am laughing and not empathizing is because your problems are the result of quick expansion and risky behavior, both of which are subjects covered in high school economics. I'm glad you have managed to supply the world with good transportation for so many years and have kept up with times of innovation and prosperity. You have obviously done something right because you've survived for so long. But the markets are falling, you are freaking out, and I'm laughing because of it.

One thing you neglected to look into is the fact that people change and so do their tastes. Did you really think that the internal combustion engine was going to be as popular in 2008 as it was in 1920? Numbers would of course trump my statement and it could easily be proven that yes, the demand for cars today does not even compare to demand back in the 20s. But we didn't know any better back then; we were just as clueless as you were. The only difference is that we have changed and you have not, and now the market is doing its job perfectly.

Here's what I'm wondering: Through all your financial planning, all of your market research, all of the years you've spent in such a lucrative business, how did you not expect a shift in the market? Why did you continue to push the same product every year (regardless of new models) and not prepare for a decline in sales? Especially in the last couple years as this whole "green" thing has taken hold of every other market?!

The transportation industry needs an overhaul, and you are trying everything in your power to prevent one. You have such an opportunity to turn everything around and start making millions again, but you have to succumb to a transitioning marketplace first. Toyota has started with the Prius, and they're making a killing right now. Unfortunately for them, though, hybrids will also be something of the past very shortly as the awareness of the global dependence on crude oil has shifted the consumer's demand for alternative and sustainable energies. I realize that you are only one part of this whole economy mess and there are other things to worry about, but NONE of the economy would operate without the transportation of goods. So you see we are in quite over our heads here, and we have been for entirely too long.

There's a great department that I recommend you use, and it's called Research and Development. It's not hard, and really just takes some creativity and thinking. Why not take some of your existing factory employees and offer them some time within the R&D department? Yes yes, I realize that there are trained professional within your R&D department that would just be getting their toes stepped on, but they'll be fired sooner than later if you don't get some more heads in there. See what the common-man has to say. Interview people. What do WE want? Think of OUR interests and not just those of your wallets and pocketbooks. Be willing to lose money before you gain it again. Stop trying to push a new model every year by remaking (that's right) the models that you know already work. But what about your quotas? Don't set them. Hold some money in your banks-- enough that will cover the cost of a mistake or decline in sales. It's something called 'surplus'-- also something learned in high school economics. If you have money, it's called surplus; if you don't, it's called debt. Keep trying to work within your debt and you'll end up in more debt. And if you get bailed out, someone else will be in debt. Cover your bills. Do some R&D. Get existing employees to have job diversity by offering other positions. Play around with things and most of all, have fun.

We NEED cars. But we also need you to be smart so that we don't fall with you.

Sincerely,
your average consumer who gives a damn.

Same Old Song and Dance

I'm going to regret feeling like this when I'm 40, but what can I possibly do? I suppose I could let go of my past feelings and allow for some wounds to heal, but it's just so complicated.

I have posted before about my rocky relationship with my dad and as expected, it still continues.

He called me Tuesday night asking if I would like to have dinner with him last night (Wednesday), and I agreed. I mean, I never see the guy and the least I could do is visit my own father. After all, he lives only 25 minutes away and he's the only family I have here anymore besides his sisters, both of whom I don't see very often. Plus, I feel bad sometimes that we spend every Sunday evening with Joey's parents and I never make the effort to see my own. But the reason I delay our time together is because of exactly what happened last night: We argued.

I don't know what it is about him that just boils my blood sometimes, but he really likes to put me on the spot. I know I am in control of every feeling I have, but it makes me feel inadequate and dumb. Of course it is never his intention to make me feel bad, but he inevitably pushes all the wrong buttons. I really think it's his approach at trying to talk to me; he doesn't know how else to do it. He assumes too much and puts words in my mouth, and he talks to me like I don't know any better. I'm thirteen again, and I want to run away. Luckily for me, I'm not thirteen and can go to my own home.

I will say one thing and he will hear another. Sometimes I think I'm asking for it by the way I preface things, but I told him that everything around where I grew up was fake. Before I was even able to explain what I meant, he jumped on the opportunity to say "I wish I would have known that's how you felt or I wouldn't have wasted my time" in that childish, pouty tone that I've grown to hate more than anything he has ever said or done to me in my entire life. I had to stop him with an exaggerated "WHAT?!" Then he said "You just said your childhood was a waste of time! If I would have known that before maybe I wouldn't have wasted my own time!" I don't know where he heard me refer to my childhood as a waste of time, but I had to yell at him. And by the way-- we were at LaRosa's during this whole thing. I felt bad for our server because I bet she was hesitant to check up on us... She was nice though, and even if she did hesitate it didn't show in her performance. But I had to stick my finger in his face and yell at him to STOP ASSUMING THINGS! And he didn't even know what I was referring to! I had to tell him what he just said to me and how it was a complete misinterpretation of what I said. I told him to just listen for a minute and allow me to explain what I meant. And of course he still didn't really understand what I was saying and took offense to it, even after reassuring him time and time again that my own personal childhood was great and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

What I meant by "everything around my childhood was fake" was in a societal sense. For example, you drive down the road my dad lives on and see all these beautiful homes with big families and walking dogs and kids running around and happy and la la la hunky-dory funtime. All of that looks good, but on the inside of those homes people are struggling. They're arguing. They're cheating. They're hitting their kids and yelling at them. They're hungry or starving. They're in debt. But the lawn looks good and there's a Corvette in the garage! They're part of a larger societal problem that won't go away unless recognized BY said society. I told him that the stuff on the outside doesn't matter, that it's fake, and I was raised in it. Then he said (and here's another great example of his habit to assume) "Is this because your mom and I argued at home?" NO! no no no no. That's NOT what I said. What I DID say, and I even wrote it here, is that I personally had a great childhood and wouldn't trade it for the world! But the world that I grew up in is fake, and I will not allow myself to follow in that same path. Everyone tries to cover up their inner demons by primping and strutting their stuff, but stuff does not define who you are, and I don't want to be recognized by the things I own. Appearing pretty does not make you pretty, and I will not lie to myself. And I will not fluff my language to make my dad understand. I am brutally honest and sometimes harsh, but I usually mean what I say the first time I say it. And every argument is warranted, so I'm not just making stuff up to get attention.

He also has a hard time accepting the fact that I will not likely carry on whatever "family traditions" he assumes I will take part in. He told me he wants my boyfriend to follow the tradition of laying out his intentions with me. He said (and I quote) "He needs to grow some balls and come talk to me if he intends to spend his future with you." First of all, how am I to influence this interaction? I said "What, am I supposed to say 'hey Joey- grow a pair and talk to my dad about me'?" I yelled at him again. How is Joey to know of my "family traditions" when A) they aren't exactly apparent at our every-now-and-then family get-togethers, and B) they don't exist at all! And another thing, after knowing me for so long why would he assume that I would continue ANY tradition when I've tried so hard to steer away from all of them? And how is his anger warranted if I say I don't want to carry a tradition? Another thing, how does my dad know that Joey doesn't have his own traditions he wants to carry on? I just kinda think it's selfish to expect something from someone if they don't even know to give anything.

Ugh. I guess that's enough for today.

Gross AND Gross

Have you ever had a back pimple?

In case you haven't, let me tell you about the one I found staring back at me this morning... This would be the time to go up to your browser and type in whatever link you choose-- anything is probably better than the story of a back pimple.

So I woke up at my usual time of butt-crack early this morning and hit the porceline goddess. I went to get dressed and put my bra on only to be surprised by a sharp pain where my right strap should lie above my right shoulder blade. Uh-oh.. a pimple. I went back to the bathroom to check out the situation and there, staring straight back at me, was a pinhead-sized eyeball tearing apart my ego. Luckily, It was just within reach and I was able to assess the situation pretty quickly.

I could have let it grow and drew a face on it to give it hypnotic powers like Postulio from Invader Zim, but I would be too afraid I'd end up that one chick with a giant pimple on her back never able to show her face in public again. That would just be debilitating, not to mention enTIRELY too embarassing, even for me.

It all reminds me of an old friend who happened to hit puberty a little too early, especially since she went to a private school. She was a C-cup by the time she was 13, and already had a couple pregnancy scares. I remember looking at her with such admiration for a while because she was a year older and to me, she seemingly knew EVERYTHING it was to be a teenage female. She smoked cigarettes, had a black boyfriend (which was almost unheard of in my white-suburban neighborhood) named Winston (guess what kind of cigarettes she smoked?), she had big knockers, and she was already having sex. But she ALSO had a TON of back pimples for some reason, so I wasn't THAT jealous of her. It was a good thing my parents instilled good values upon me because I never really felt too compelled to follow her actions. Somehow, and I don't know how they did it, but my parents raised me to learn from other peoples' mistakes. I think it was because my oldest brother took the reigns as the "bad" child and you can't have more than one in a family-- it's too much competition.

But I remember going to the pool with this girl and my other best friend, and she would always bitch about her back pimples. She had a little brother who she liked to harass, and she would make him pop them for her! She would torment that kid so much.. I swear he ended up with mental issues because of her. She would yell at him to do her bidding all the time and would make him cry and I always felt really bad for him, even if he was kind-of a dimwit anyway. He farted on her bed one time and she yelled at him to lick it up! And he did it with tears filling his eyes.. I wonder what happened to that kid... man what torture.

That family was so messed up anyways. The parents smoked something like 5 packs of cigarettes a day. The dad reminded me of Eric Clapton, and the step-mom was just awful-scary. You always knew which cigarette butts were hers because she always wore bright pink or red lipstick. They had gigantic parrots and a hoard of dogs and cats. There were also 6 kids in that house ranging from 2-15, four of which were adopted. Three of them were from an inner-family situation where they assummed custody, and the other one was just a normal adoption. But the normally adopted child was a nightmare.. first of all, I don't know to this day if they ever told her she was adopted. Everyone else in the family knew except for her. Second, the last time I saw her was about a year or two ago walking down the street of the neighborhood (I actually think they have moved since then) wearing some skanky outfit with high-heels and Mimi make-up. Glad she grew up just like her older sister... Let's hope she has some sense and pops her own damn back pimples.

Gross.

Letter to my Landlord: The Results

Holly,

Please except my apologies for the burglary of your vehicle. I praise your choice on contacting the police department. Hopefully the more information they can get will allow them to catch this guy as soon as possible. I do understand your frustration regarding the late fees and I will be the first to admit that they are very strict. Unfortunately there is a reason behind the "no grace period". Unlike most communities we are owned by an individual not a big corporation. This means his mortgage is due on the 5th of the month and he uses all the rent received to pay it. The good news is there are other options. I have a form you can fill out in the office for your debit card to be automatically debited on the 1st of the month. Which means if the office is closed on the 1st I will deduct it upon our return. We also offer direct payment out of your checking account. If you set up for this option they do not deduct it until the 3rd of each month. One of the advantages of the debit withdraw is if you run into financial hardship one month, all you have to do is give me a call and ask for me not to deduct it on the first. Of coarse you would still be responsible for late fees but its a little easier that having to call the bank and temporarily freeze an automatic withdrawal. I would like to apologize again about your vehicle and let you know about the other payment options you have with us. In light of your recent problems and outstanding payment history, we have recieved approval to remove the $50 late fee on your account. Please understand that we will be unable to do so in the future for any additional late payments. I know that this does not eliminate your concerns but hopefully it will help restore some of your faith in us.

Respectfully,
[lady in the office]

I won! I won and it felt good. Also, this morning as I was leaving for work, I noticed two township police units monitoring my apartment complex. I not only won, but I also got the strength of the LAW on my side! I'm not a huge cop fan, but I do really enjoy when they work to my benefit.

On another note, I'm feeling the strength of my current anxieties and it's effecting my sleep. I'm having trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep. I think my body is ready to start moving again and I would like to start working out a couple times a week. I just have all this time to myself and I just keep allowing my head to fill with thoughts instead of letting them out. I'm pent up in Ohio and need to branch out immediately. I think I know exactly how Sam felt right before he went to New York for the first time. He just felt trapped, like there was nowhere else to go if he stayed here. When he came back a couple weeks ago from California, he said he was immediately depressed just because of the atmosphere. He missed his new home already and he had only been there about a month or so. Bottom line, I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. I need to get out, and I need to get out promptly.

I just need to find a job somewhere, and so does Joey. Until Friday, I was waiting for Joey to land a job first but his dad convinced me otherwise. He said "why wait for Joe? You go where the job goes. If you find a job, you go there. If Joe finds a job, go there. That's what you gotta do." And he's right. Of all the times he has said "you gotta do this," he was absolutely right about this one. So in following his advice, I'm going to start looking for jobs elsewhere. If I stay here in Ohio, my market is limited. Not only is unemployment in Ohio terrible right now (which is a large contributing factor as to why Joey can't land a job), but the market is split into corporate radio or nothing. I WILL NOT work for Clear Channel for a couple reasons (they ruined radio, basically), and they're located in every major city. So I know any place I go will be mostly dominated by Clear Channel, but in wider markets I will be able to find more profitable, independent radio stations. Or I could stay with Cox, because I do have to say that they are a great company to work for. Yes, they're also a huge corporate company, but I don't think you can really ruin radio if most of your stations air political newstalk material. Biased hosts come and go, and Cox is willing to adjust to that. Clear Channel is not. I also thought of applying for a public access channel. I'm always a fan of non-profits.

Another reason I need to leave this place is because I'm so sick of the inactivity of this state. If you want to have fun in Ohio, you have to unbury it because your choices are the mall, a generic restaurant, and television. Yes, there are bars and clubs and such, but I'm not too into that kind of crowd. I don't like seeing over-primped drunk bitches and their equally drunk single male counter-parts mingling with each other.. it's just a mess. I get embarassed for characters in movies; it kills me to see it in real life. Plus it's expensive to have fun at a bar, and it's impossible to have fun at a bar if you're not drunk. Unless you like sports. But people drink to enhance their sports-watching, so even that's out. I just want a yard that I can sit out in and sip my lemonade during the day, and watch the stars at night. I know I can do that now on my back patio, but there's this giant flood light that I have no control over that seriously makes it feel like the apocolypse outside. So we don't sit out there... needless to say, we don't have to turn our porch light on.

Off to more things..

peace and stir crazy