Kinda angry..

..at Joey. He broke my piece. He knocked my right-front wheel cover off of my brand-new car by hitting a curb. I have reason to believe he lost one of my Family Guy discs: when I get discs out of the 360, I put them in their cases; when he takes discs out, he doesn't. Of course, I don't have a perfect track record, and I do tend to just lay discs down, but if it's a movie that belongs in a case, I put it back. If it's a game that I assume he will play soon, I leave it out. I know he doesn't have a job right now and some of these things are just waiting on his earning of a paycheck. But he has found enough money to buy pot since he has been unemployed, and I think some of that money should have been spent fixing the things of mine that he broke. He also likes to stay up until all hours of the morning playing video games (which I don't care about) while I'm in bed early to go to work at 5am. He always comes in and wakes me up (one of the most annoying things you can do to me is mess with my sleep) and doesn't latch the door, which ALWAYS leads to my cat pushing the door open and looting around. We don't let the cat in our room. He never wakes up to the door opening; therefore I do and am forced to get up, shoo the kitty, and shut the door. Which then delays my sleep even more and makes me more upset. He never takes the trash out. He doesn't take initiative. He doesn't take care of me and it makes me wonder if that will ever change... I feel like I'm leading him through MY life, that he's just with me because it's somewhere to be; it's out of his parents' house. I also kinda feel like he wouldn't be making it without me and that scares me. I can't take care of somebody else while I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm not a mother right now for that reason. I feel that if I don't tell him what to do, he won't do it and we'll be fucked. I can't be in a relationship where I feel that I'm doing the majority of the work. I shouldn't have to remind him to pay our bills. I shouldn't have to bargain with him about things he should take initiative on. I can't drive everywhere we go just because I have the better car. He always pulls the "but I hate my car!" card and I'm fed up with it. He borrows money from his parents to spend on pot and then complains "I only have $40 spending money." WTF? I know he loves me, but I think the only way he knows how to show it is to smother me with kisses. That'a cute and all, but it gets old. I know this is cliche, but I need a MAN who will take care of me. Tell ME what to do. Tell ME to take the trash out. Remind ME to pay the bills. Ask ME to help clean the bathroom. Offer to drive his own car. Give ME pointers on how to save money. Just make some decisions on his own and lead me through HIS life a little bit. I enjoy being a leader and making stable decisions during the day, but I also like coming home and being told "we're doing THIS tonight." We sold some video games the other day and only one of his 5 games were accepted because the discs were either in terrible condition, they didn't have their books, or the discs were missing completely. 4 of my 5 were taken. I do have to say that we didn't realize the books were required for resale, but his lack of responsibility for his own belongings only ensures me of his lack of willingness to take care of mine. How can I expect him to take care of me when he can't even take care of himself?

I don't think I have unreasonable expectations because most "normal" people expect their partner to contribute as much to the relationship as they do. I always tend to date men who need someone to take care of them. Who's gonna take care of me? What happened to the traditional male whose first priority was to take care of his woman? To protect her? I know I'm not really a traditional person, but there are some things that I want out of my man and I don't feel like I'm getting it... I want to be told not to worry about it. I don't want to be called the 'awesome girlfriend' just because I like video games. THAT IS NOT MY ONLY GOOD QUALITY! He likes me because I like to do things that he enjoys. What about me? Why doesn't he do things that I like to do?

I wonder why he's with me.. Whenever I ask him what he likes about me, all he says is that he likes being able to play video games with me. ok... why is that an endearing quality? Why is THAT the one thing he likes about me? I'm wondering where he expects this relationship to go. I wonder what he expects of ME.

It would be great if neither of us expected anything but love and support from the other. It would be great to carry on this relationship with unconditional love, but there comes a point where unconditional can turn to naiivity. I can love him for who he is, no matter what. That's unconditional. But I find it hard to call it 'unconditional' sometimes when he continues to prove his incapabilities. He's so smart and has so much common sense too, so it's REALLY hard to understand why he acts a certain way sometimes. I wonder where he gets this sense that he's powerless; that his opinion doesn't matter; that people don't care about him. He will only receive reciprocal love if he gives it.

I want to know why he wants to stay with me. I want him to give me a reason to stay with him. I want this to light a fire up under his ass and make him jump up and shout "because I love you more than anyone on this planet! because I will provide for you, care for you, and love you for as long as I can! because you love me!" If we're gonna be adults and live together, I expect him to at least ACT like one. I want him to save his money and buy things for himself rather than rely on mom and dad, or decide to choose a meal over an eighth. I'm tired of living paycheck-to-paycheck because I'm providing for both of us on two part-time jobs. I'm sick of asking him how we're going to pay for rent. I'm tired of feeling insecure in this relationship. I need to know where we stand; where he expects us to go together. because if he wants to be with me, he will do ANYTHING to keep me.

I feel like I've been taken for granted...

The best way to describe...

My atheism: I always think about the person in front of me. If I drink the last of the water, I refill the water so the next person can drink water. Had to write it down. Nobody reads this anyway.

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yea i know, this doesn't make sense. i was slightly elevated at the time of its conception, so allow me to try and make sense of it. i'm not sure how i intended to relate it to my atheism... but here we go.

when people need something or want something to better their life, they call to their God. they pray and ask for guidance, and if they don't get it, they pray harder. if that still doesn't work, they question their own faith. that's a stuggle; to be questioning yourself and not really EVER sure if you're right. but you have to have faith, because that is what makes God real to people. they BELIEVE that God is there; that he/she's listening. when i grew up, i never felt like i was being heard. it felt like talking to a brick. i couldn't even fabricate what i thought God was saying to me. i know that even those of the most faithful would say that God never actually speaks to them, but they just know he/she's listening. that's not enough for me. the absence of a God on my part enables me to believe in people. i see and interact with people on a regular basis and i can trust that they will ALWAYS act like human beings. they will always be honest or lie; be happy or sad; be planning for the future or living it day-to-day. i can ALWAYS rely on people to act like people. this relates to my statement above because with my reliance upon people, I feel that people have the same reliance upon me. basically, treat people the way you want to be treated. sound familiar? see, i DO think that the basic principles of Christianity make sense. they're reasonable, honest, and expect a certain goodness within all people. no person is any better than the next, yet we argue about who's right and which religion will get us into to heaven. i say, "why does it matter?" i don't think anyone is any more right than my left foot. we find such solace in separating ourselves by religion, race, class, gender, and sexual orientation, yet we make sure that everything is politically correct. we're going to politically correct ourselves into extinction.

would you like a glass of water?