Volunteering

Working at Skyline is slowly stripping me of my intellect, so I have decided to start volunteering at a radio station to keep my head in the game. I will be on the air Sundays 9-noon and Mon/Tues 12-3. I will be going by the name "Holly Berry" and it will be neato! The website is under construction and will be relaunched here soon, but if you want to access it anyway you can just go to www.classxradio.com (or the relaunch site at www.classxradio.com/Goyer)

The station is pretty awesome... as it is based and operated out of Bill Spry's basement in Monroe. Just awesome. It is considered a classic rock station, but it is really considered an AOR station, which stands for "Album Oriented Rock." The difference between classic rock and AOR is that one focuses on hit singles while the other focuses more on the deep cuts and the songs you haven't heard as much. For example, you will hear "Money" by Pink Floyd five times on the Fox in one day while on an AOR station you might hear "the Great Gig in the Sky" or "Time" once in a week. Basically, AOR is out to highlight the greatness that is rock-n-roll while classic rock stations are out to bastardize this once great genre. We can only hear Tom Petty's "American Girl" once in a while, not once an hour.

So it's a non-profit station that will hopefully be a for-profit station in the near future, but Bill Spry is trying to establish his range first, and he's doing a pretty awesome job. He already has 4 transmitter sites that range from SE Indiana to SW Ohio to Northern Kentucky. It's pretty sweet. Not to mention, he has a 5000watt antenna in his back yard. FRICKIN AWESOME. He operates his own computer software company out of his house and the program we use (called "Raduga") in the station is his baby. He wrote it and is currently facilitating it in the radio station he runs out of his basement. The guy is a genius and he knows it. There's a whole history of his success with this station on the website, you should definitely read it. It's very interesting and will give you insight on the progress he is making. It's definitely something I could see myself doing someday, and this is a perfect start for me.

Anyhoo, it's exciting and it's keeping my head out of Skyline too much. I have restored some of my self esteem and my life is picking up a little bit. And even though I'm not getting paid by this station it is still my dream to do the best job I possibly can. Time to go.

Peace and floor grease

New Ideas a-Brewin'

Since working solely at Skyline, I've been daydreaming a lot. Lots of "what if's" and "when this happens"... Lots of Netflix. Got a new laptop; it's pretty tasty. My new picture was taken on its webcam. It takes some pretty alright pictures, considering it's built in. It's a Toshiba, is black and shiney, and the keyboard is really good for little hands, of which I have TWO. I wish I were smart enough to remember the specifics about this computer, like how much RAM or Gs it has... or perhaps how much memory it has. I think I know more than your average person, but it must be realized that computers are really made for stupid people, hence Window's excellent user friendliness. Someone who knows NOTHING about computers could easy pick up one like this and go to town without a problem. Everything is built-in, and the wireless mouse connects ultra fast. I LOVE IT.

Nothing really new lately... just working a lot. Looking for a better job. I'm hoping for something like a receptionist, something easy that I have actually apply my degree to. I know I want to be in radio, but I realize that the job climate is tough and radio is one of the industries that has been hit quite hard. Lots of bankruptcies, mergers and corporate takeovers. Yunno... the usual. I'm not really in a hurry to be in radio for the rest of my life. I don't really know how far I want to go in it, and really, being a receptionist would be a perfectly good job for someone like me. Organized, friendly, computer literate, and pay attention to detail. Oh yea, I have a college degree too. That's pretty important. GAH! I don't have much to write about.

I went to Chicago with my Dad to visit Adam for his 27th Birthday. It was alright. Of course the City itself was beautiful and my dad and I had a good time ourselves. Things got a little too "normal" when we met up with Adam. We argued, things got stupid and lame. It was an old fashioned Schroeder Family Confrontation. Usually has an excellent turn-out. I just hope something clicked in Adam's head and something changes. His attitude just sucks. anyhoo......

peace and Spaceballs

Oh yea--- I want to start writing radio dramas. Ideas are welcome.

My LAST Sunday Radio Update: The Burn Victim

Today is a sad day. It is my last day at WHIO and means more hours at Skyline. I am very sad to be leaving my radio job because I have been here for two and a half years. I learned more in my first week than I did my entire college career about radio and the industry. I would love to remain an employee within the industry, but it is proving quite difficult in my particular city during these particularly poor financial times. I'll find a new job, hopefully this year. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'm just glad I left on good terms and my boss will give me a great reference. Wish me luck....

More hours at Skyline means bigger paychecks, and I'm always a fan of money. My boss said I would be getting a raise here pretty soon, so I'm excited about that too. It will take the sting off of the more painful days.

Speaking of painful, I burned the crap out of my (right) arm the other day while making chili. It was quite an unfortunate accident... I knew I was going to be sitting down to talk with my boss, so I threw on a new cube of chili (just add water.. mmm!) and left it to cook. Well, that's not really the "proper" way to cook chili, because you're suppost to stir it every five minutes when it's on high until it's done (which is really only 15-20 minutes). I didn't stir it until I was done talking to my boss 30 minutes later. I went to take the lid off the kettle and POOF the steam seared the skin on my wrist in an area the size of a small potato. Despite its small size, it hurts like hell. I was sent home from work and got to visit urgent care down the street. They gave me vicotin! and MAN-O-MAN am I glad. I've been having quite a rough time dealing with this.. thing. It pisses me off because it won't heal fast enough, it gets in the way of everything, it hurts off and on, it throbs when I walk and sway my arms to the sides so I have to hold it up like I have an invisible sling, and the way I sleep fucks up the bandages so I wake up in excruciating pain because the gauze has pulled my skin in all directions. Yummmy. I guess this is why second-degree burns are usually avoided by most people.

I've been thinking about my brother Sam a lot lately. I really miss him being around. We became quite the pals during college, and now that he's across the nation I wish he were here. Of course missing him doesn't compare to the missing of my mom, but it's almost easier to deal with someone being gone in death than it is with someone you just don't get to see that often. He is supposed to be workingon a feature in Indiana this April, so maybe he will venture on over to SW Ohio to see his family... that would be awesome. It's a little lonely with just me and my dad. I miss Adam too, but in a completely different and almost weird way.

I don't feel Adam has been himself since before my mom died. He was dating a girl for about a year before my mom died, and it was this relationship that made him different. She was the daughter of a preacher, so it brought God into his life in the wrong way. I believe he reclaimed his faith for a little while, but after my mom died, he and the girl broke up and his enthusiasm for life slipped away. He lost his mom and his confidant, and he definitely didn't (and still doesn't) share the same relationship with our dad. I feel like he resents our dad for the anger presented before the divorce. I remember vividly one night Adam got into a heated argument with my parents about who knows what, and he stormed out of the house after yelling "Fuck you!." He was about 13, making Sam 11 and me 9. Sam and I tried to avoid the conflict and went back in my bedroom to hold each other and cry. My dad brought to my attention last night that Adam still behaves this way, getting into heated arguments and storming out of the house. He's 27 now and WELLLLL beyond the age to be acting that way. I honestly don't understand him, and I miss him. I just wish he could be "normal" for once.... stop being so angry at life... get a girlfriend or something. He obviously can't make himself happy, he might as well get a companion to help him out. Not saying it's some random girl's responsibility to being my brother out of the dark, just saying Adam needs something else to focus his energy on besides how pathetic his own life is.

My wrist hurts, so I'm gonna go do better things than type.

peace and pain

My Art as of Late...

So, I have some pictures of my latest paintings. They're nothing special, but they're mine and I like 'em! This first one will be going to my best fwiend, Amanda. It was my first attempt at painting straight lines and mixing colors one after the other. I think the coolest part is that they're all done in water-color and still come out so vibrant. That makes me a happy Holly.


This one is probably my favorite... I think I'm giving it to Rachelle, or possibly some variation of the design. I really like the frame. I got it from the Goodwill store right down the street here in Loveland. I had to dissect the back of it because it was covered in brown paper and was filled with various cardboards, but it only cost me $4. So I think was a fair investment.

This one is for my friend Emily... after I told her that first one was already taken, she said she wanted the same thing in blue and green... I hope I fulfilled her wishes. If not, she can kiss my butt because I worked on that thing for HOURS. But I think she'll like it. She's not very picky.

Checking In

Back at the radio station for my two-week broadcasting injection. As soon as I'm done checking my favorite blogs and writing this I will be looking for a new radio job. I don't want anything spectacular, just something down in Cincinnati. I want to produce more than anything, but I would take any on-air position as well.

Good things are coming, I can feel it in my bones. Maybe not for a couple months, but it's coming. I feel like this is going to be a good year for me because I really have the rest of my life to decide what I want to do with it and my head is racing with opportunity. Of course there is the possibility that a little family may pop up in the next decade (mostly because if I have kids I don't want to be 40 raising infants).

My feelings are very torn about working for Skyline again, mostly just at this particular store. I really enjoy being a manager when I'm the only manager on duty because I have fun, the staff underneath me has fun, and we run the store the way it should be run: efficiently. I like all the employees for the most part, and I get along with everyone very well. I've been told by several people that they enjoy working with me as their manager because I help them and direct them, the way a manager should. Customers appreciate my courtesy and I do a pretty good job with keeping them satisfied. The problem is the upper management.

My GM couldn't give two shits less about his job, made apparent by the way he conducts himself as the on-duty manager. I will walk in the door at 3pm and he (with the rest of the staff) will be sitting down at the break table, all the while the steam table is a mess, nothing is stocked, and he doesn't make sure those staff members who are off after lunch do their own out-work. Also from a customers' stand-point, this makes the store look like it's poorly ran if everyone is sitting down when you walk in the door. I'm left with the mess and the responsibility to deal with it. So while his behavior sets the course, his assistant does the same thing and the rest of the staff follows. That makes it incredibly difficult for me to say "this needs to change" because I'm just an hourly shift supervisor having nothing to do with setting the standards for the rest of the store. This is not to say that everyone would be working like dogs without breaks to the end of their shift no questions asked if I set the rules, this is to say that my boss is making a large mistake in leading his store in this direction. It's just irresponsible and careless, and in my eyes incredibly demeaning to the name of Skyline Chili. I'm not all gung-ho about Skyline Chili, nor would I care if the place burned down and went bankrupt tomorrow, but when you come to work there are certain expectations of you. And if you can't muster enough work ethic to do the job, leave it to someone else who will. Skyline has the reputation of "Cincinnati Chili" and it gives me a little pride to be part of something that grew from the city I grew up in. I could run that store and generate so many more sales than this guy, and it almost breaks my heart to see someone give up like that. He's cheap, so he won't cough up the corporate dough to fix the things that are broken, which cuts into the efficiency and inevitably makes the product suffer. He doesn't make sure new-hires are properly trained, so the majority of the production staff doesn't know how to make food the way it's supposed to be made (every menu item has a specific ouncage of ingredients, the utensils are to be held a certain way, and when customers come to Skyline they expect continuity in the product). It's not hard to make food correctly, it's just hard to re-train someone how to do it right after they have been doing it wrong for so long. I would love to re-train everyone on food and have them read the manual and/or watch the videos. I know they're boring and awful, but they help a lot just by reiterating the proper procedures. When I was promoted to management at my last store I had to watch all the videos (serving, food production, and drive-thru), re-take all the tests, and I had to go through a whole 'nother interview process. I didn't mind it and it actually strengthened my food-making and customer service skills. It also didn't take long (maybe a day) and it prepared me to teach these skills to the other employees. If we could get everyone to watch those videos I think sales and the staff morale would noticeably increase. I also think that if my GM established these requirements and put more effort into his work he could regain some respect he has obviously lost from his staff.

But who am I to say anything? I'm afraid I wouldn't be taken seriously and would come off as condascending. I try not to think of myself as 'better' than any other human being by giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I feel this store is doomed for failure if some things don't change. Should I talk to him? Should I talk to anyone? Or should I just put up with it and stay on course with finding a new job?

I feel pretty good right now, thanks to my last dose of aderol. Can you believe they prescribe this stuff to kids with ADD and ADHD?! I hate the FDA. They will approve ANYTHING if they can get a buck out of it and get their name on it. There's a diet pill commercial hosted by that one chick who lost a bunch of weight a while back, and one of her lines kills me.. "I trust it because it's FDA approved." THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING! It just means they read the product description and gave it a thumbs-up because the recommended dose doesn't seem deadly. Sure! Give overweight Bob heart medicine for his palpitations! Don't encourage a healthy lifestyle and give Bob a real chance to live into his prime, the FDA won't make any money that way! They're not advocates of health, they're advocates of substance abuse and bad habits. Ugh.

SO about a little over a year ago Joey was driving my car. He accidentally hit a curb and lost the wheel cover for my right front tire. I got a little agitated with him because I entrusted him with my brand-new vehicle, but it was really just a cosmetic detail that could easily be looked over. Why else do I need a wheel cover than to match the other three? None whatsoever. So two weeks ago I came home from work and Joey says "You wouldn't believe what I found leaning against the front door when I got home." He pointed down and there leaning against the wall was a wheel cover to a VW! We went outside to see if it would, in fact, match the others and wouldn't you know... it matched! We sat in the living room scratching our heads for a good half hour wondering where it came from and we still don't know today. We have been making up stories about who could have left it and their motives behind it, but of course they are all pretty preposterous and we're OK with leavning it a complete mystery. I took my car in for its 30,000 mile check-up last Wednesday and I told the service lady my story. She too was completely taken aback, asking all the appropriate questions that Joey and I asked ourselves within that first half hour of our discovery. She and my dad like to believe it was my guardian angel. I like to believe it was the guy upstairs who I've never seen and drives a VW-GTi, which is basically the same car. Maybe he has a relative that owned or he owned another VW and just happened to have a spare part and saw that I needed it? Maybe it's the girl, who is friends with my neighbor Corey, who also drives a VW? Maybe my car has a radio transmitter that sends out a certain frequency to its parts, causing them to "come alive" if separated, and it just took this long for it to roll home? That last one is much cooler than the other possible scenarios... I think I'll stick with that one.

Rachelle has hired me to design the props for her winter color-guard performance this season. It's kind-of exciting because I've never designed anything on such a large scale for so many people to see. I've been getting crafty lately, so it's really pulling out my creativity. Even though I used the album art for a reference and basically copied most of the lettering, I still feel like I can call it my own because I'm putting the effort into piecing it together. I am my mother's daughter. I wouldn't even mind becoming a designer like she was. Maybe not graphics on a computer (to me, it almost takes away the personal touch of the artist), but rather on a physical canvas for home decor like framed paintings, furniture detailing and murals. I would even love being an interior designer. Why do I have to be good at so many things?! It gives me limitless opportunities but makes it difficult to focus on just one thing! Have you ever met someone who complained that they were good at too many things? I haven't... I usually encounter more of the exact opposite, people not able to pin-point anything they're good at. Maybe I'm just that open minded that I can see myself filling any position successfully? I don't want to seem full of myself, I'm just confident in my skills. It's weird how motivation perpetuates itself. You get good at doing something, which motivates you to do more, which increases your skills, which continues to motivate you to do more and so on. Maybe I should become a motivational speaker? hahaha... that would be the day.

This is becoming entirely too long, but I can't seem to stop getting good thoughts. It's my blog, I say what I want! But seriously, I'm out.

peace and opportunity loom

Not Much

It's funny, I feel busy 90% of the time, yet, when it comes to writing about anything in my life I draw a complete blank. I feel like "nothing" is going on and "nothing" has changed, but I guess that's just because I'm living it every day. I'm slowly untangling my dreads and my hair is soo long. I've lost all of my croche needles (I use them to pick my hair apart), so it's going to be a challenge to pull the rest out unless I take a trip to the Hobby Lobby. I hate that store.... it's like "Meijer: the Craft Store." You need a single pad of paper? Walk back to aisle 37, tell the hunting troll the password "needle-nose pliers" and he'll take you to the basement, dominate the labarynth, the 16th door on the left of the mouse with no teeth is paper, but the trip back will be tricky-- you need an old-lady disguise and four pairs of shoes under the size of a 6 men's. Do 13 jumping-jax, stand on your head, and run back through the labarynth. Once you've popped the 40 bubbles of shame, you may purchase your pad of paper at register 6 behind Betty, the silver fox who makes a weekly trip to buy 32 different boquets of fake flowers, while registers 1-5/7-23 will be closed 23 of the 24 hours the store is open. Ugh. But of course, I exaggerate and no store experience is NEARLY that easy. It only took us twenty minutes to buy milk, cheese, popcorn, and soup from Meijer: The Eternal Crusade last night, not counting the trek across the vast, windy parking lot. Oh well.

I miss having a dishwasher. I don't miss having to pay for water, but I definitely miss being able to load it up, put in the soap, turn the knob and let it whirl. These days, since we both work such weird sporatic hours, the dishes just tend to overflow out of the sink onto the counter and sometimes the stove. Call us lazy, but when we get home from our crappy jobs the last thing we want to do is an ass-load of dishes. I'm very glad we don't have kids, car payments, a mortgage... because I think we would be TERRIBLE at keeping up with all of it at this time in our lives. I take that back-- we wouldn't be terrible at it, we would just be stressed-out and pissed-off all the time, and that's not something I want to deal with. I had enough of that in high school and college.

I'm working at the radio station this morning and I'm trying to pass the time. What else can I talk about? I can't think of anything........ maybe more later.

peace and empty

KK:P2

I'm so angry right now I don't know where to start.

We were on our way home from a post-xmas get together with the Davis family ("we" included my dad, my brother and myself). My dad asked me how my friend was doing, referring to a couple years ago when this friend was still going through some maturity issues and it caused somewhat of a rift in the friendship for a minute. I was explaining that since then she has grown up a little bit after getting an apartment on her own and learning some valuable life lessons (of course now she is living back with her parents, but that is a temporary situation because she's saving up for the Peace Corps). I also went on to say that though she made those improvements, there are still some characteristics that get on my nerves at times. Despite those certain characteristics I keep her as one of my best friends because I love her like a sister. But I don't have to love every single characteristic of this girl in order to be great friends with her, in fact, I believe those differing characteristics shape what it is that we like about each other. While talking to my dad I also commented on how impressed I am with how cool my little cousin is turning out to be. When she was littler, she was weird enough in my opinion (and others) that caused genuine concern about her. I thought for a while that she may be autistic or had some learning or anxiety disabilities. These things I deduced from watching how she interacted with the rest of the family on the occasions we actually got together. She acted severely out of place and made noises without words at the ages of 7 and 8. She only pointed at things and didn't really speak much, except to her mom, which was still only in little quiet conversations. When we visited them tonight, she came in and sat with the rest of us and talked about her art. She has been drawing horses for several years and she is becoming quite the artist. This is really cool to me considering I thought something might have been off in the past. She has a little craft table in their living room and she plays video games. That's awesome!

So part of this conversation with my dad was about both my friend and my cousin. In the middle of it all, my brother had to interject. He never mentioned my cousin until way later after I left my dad's, so we'll leave her out of it for now. So he asks me why I'm being so negative towards my friend? and If those are such negative characteristics about my friend why am I still friends with her? and Even a good friend would adapt to those negative characteristics for the sake of holding together the relationship. and that THIS is one thing he doesn't like about me, that I talk about the same thing for 20 minutes at a time. He's insulting me in front of my dad and I'm slightly embarrassed because he's not allowing me to explain myself. (This is why it's hard to explain to a Christian why I'm an atheist... they won't shut the fuck up and listen for a second to understand what I'm saying... he came out of nowhere to $$insult me and didn't know what he was talking about. it pissed me off.) So the conversation became quite heated and my dad cut in to suggest we talk about something else. I wasn't done and neither was my brother. We kept saying things and it just kept getting worse, so I finally followed my dad's request and changed the subject. I didn't talk to my brother all the way to my dad's house, didn't talk to him when we got there, and didn't say goodbye when I left to go home.

I sent him a text saying he had no right to say those things to me, especially in front of my dad, that I was upset and embarrassed. He sent one back saying he was sorry and thought what I was saying about my cousin and friend was negative. That he didn't know how else to say what he wanted to say, and it ended up coming out wrong. He also said he wanted to talk, so I called him.

I began to tell him that I was not bad-mouthing my cousin and friend. I was saying how impressed I was with both of them. That I was actually complimenting them on growing up a little bit and proving me wrong of my past convictions. I told him that if he doesn't know what to say or how to say it, not to say anything at all. [This takes me back to my first couple communication classes where I learned how to begin a confrontation while also keeping it a positive experience for both parties. You can never start a confrontation by blaming someone (YOU did this... YOU didn't do that.. YOU did this wrong..etc.) because you automatically place this into a "negative" situation and the other person will react with the same tone the confrontation started out with. If you start with a positive, the person will react with a positive.]

He told me I can't make people say what I want them to.

This was not the message I was trying to send out. Isn't one of the first you learn as a child "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all"? I heard that old adage at least 100 times by the time I was 5. I think it was a pretty reasonable suggestion that he should have either shut the fuck up in the car, or made a formula of what it was exactly what he wanted to say before he said it. But I said it in a much, much nicer way. I really didn't want to be shitty with him, but he pushed my buttons the way my dad used to be so good at doing. He came off as an asshole, so it only felt natural to be as much of an asshole back. I know this is not the right thing to do in ANY conversation, but it gets frustrating to bite your tongue saying positive things only to be shit on over and over. He wanted to play the "I'm Condescending" game, and I can almost never resist the competition, especially with my brother. This is a competitive world, I am becoming very aware of lately, but that is another conversation entirely.

My voice was shaking at this moment because I didn't want to cry. I felt bad that I was basically yelling at my brother, but I desperately believe his inability to talk to people has caused him more to grieve about than any one wo/man should. I don't want to be condescending because it's something I'm trying very hard to step away from. I'm in no way a professional talker, but I would consider myself at least a couple years educated on the subject. And I'm not the only one who thinks these things about my brother, so I know I'm not crazy. My dad actually stopped me on my way out to ask if my brother's combativeness is common with me. I said it was and that it really gets on my nerves. My dad said it happens all the time with him and he doesn't know how to deal with it. We exchanged looks of awe, as neither of us know exactly what to do, and I left knowing it wasn't just me. My boyfriend also notices my brother's combative behavior, so I REALLY know it's not just me.

The end of the conversation was him saying (again) that I can't make people say what I want them to, and me saying "shut the fuck up" and hanging up. I hung up on my brother, something I haven't done before in my life. Something only shitty ex-girlfriends do to their shitty ex-boyfriends. I was pissed. He had no idea what he was talking about STILL and I was trying to explain things calmly. So I hung up.

His name showed up on the screen when he called me back a minute later. "It's me.." he said. Oh. It was my dad. So I talked to my dad for a couple minutes about why I'm so sick of my brother's bullshit and that he'll never be anywhat successful in his life if he continues to treat people the way he does. He needs to shit or get off the pot and fucking learn how to talk to people, because if he's going to play the "I'm Better Than You" game, I'm pretty sure nobody is going to play in the places he wants to go. I want to help him but he won't let me. So I'm not going to talk to him for a while until either he calls me or I think of something intelligent enough to say that helps my situation.

Joey just says "you're brother's fuckin crazy."

Why do I care if my brother is successful in his life? because if he's not, he will continue to tell me his depressing stories of how something didn't work out. because when he does things that make him happier, he becomes a happier person to be around. because I will be able to ask him over to my house without feeling some semblance of regret first. because he wants so terribly bad to be somebody, and I feel I can help him pull himself towards that goal. because he's my brother and I have to love the guy.. he's my fuckin brother. that's a given love that can't really be looked over.

I'll simmer for a couple days. For now, tacos.