Same Old Song and Dance

I'm going to regret feeling like this when I'm 40, but what can I possibly do? I suppose I could let go of my past feelings and allow for some wounds to heal, but it's just so complicated.

I have posted before about my rocky relationship with my dad and as expected, it still continues.

He called me Tuesday night asking if I would like to have dinner with him last night (Wednesday), and I agreed. I mean, I never see the guy and the least I could do is visit my own father. After all, he lives only 25 minutes away and he's the only family I have here anymore besides his sisters, both of whom I don't see very often. Plus, I feel bad sometimes that we spend every Sunday evening with Joey's parents and I never make the effort to see my own. But the reason I delay our time together is because of exactly what happened last night: We argued.

I don't know what it is about him that just boils my blood sometimes, but he really likes to put me on the spot. I know I am in control of every feeling I have, but it makes me feel inadequate and dumb. Of course it is never his intention to make me feel bad, but he inevitably pushes all the wrong buttons. I really think it's his approach at trying to talk to me; he doesn't know how else to do it. He assumes too much and puts words in my mouth, and he talks to me like I don't know any better. I'm thirteen again, and I want to run away. Luckily for me, I'm not thirteen and can go to my own home.

I will say one thing and he will hear another. Sometimes I think I'm asking for it by the way I preface things, but I told him that everything around where I grew up was fake. Before I was even able to explain what I meant, he jumped on the opportunity to say "I wish I would have known that's how you felt or I wouldn't have wasted my time" in that childish, pouty tone that I've grown to hate more than anything he has ever said or done to me in my entire life. I had to stop him with an exaggerated "WHAT?!" Then he said "You just said your childhood was a waste of time! If I would have known that before maybe I wouldn't have wasted my own time!" I don't know where he heard me refer to my childhood as a waste of time, but I had to yell at him. And by the way-- we were at LaRosa's during this whole thing. I felt bad for our server because I bet she was hesitant to check up on us... She was nice though, and even if she did hesitate it didn't show in her performance. But I had to stick my finger in his face and yell at him to STOP ASSUMING THINGS! And he didn't even know what I was referring to! I had to tell him what he just said to me and how it was a complete misinterpretation of what I said. I told him to just listen for a minute and allow me to explain what I meant. And of course he still didn't really understand what I was saying and took offense to it, even after reassuring him time and time again that my own personal childhood was great and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

What I meant by "everything around my childhood was fake" was in a societal sense. For example, you drive down the road my dad lives on and see all these beautiful homes with big families and walking dogs and kids running around and happy and la la la hunky-dory funtime. All of that looks good, but on the inside of those homes people are struggling. They're arguing. They're cheating. They're hitting their kids and yelling at them. They're hungry or starving. They're in debt. But the lawn looks good and there's a Corvette in the garage! They're part of a larger societal problem that won't go away unless recognized BY said society. I told him that the stuff on the outside doesn't matter, that it's fake, and I was raised in it. Then he said (and here's another great example of his habit to assume) "Is this because your mom and I argued at home?" NO! no no no no. That's NOT what I said. What I DID say, and I even wrote it here, is that I personally had a great childhood and wouldn't trade it for the world! But the world that I grew up in is fake, and I will not allow myself to follow in that same path. Everyone tries to cover up their inner demons by primping and strutting their stuff, but stuff does not define who you are, and I don't want to be recognized by the things I own. Appearing pretty does not make you pretty, and I will not lie to myself. And I will not fluff my language to make my dad understand. I am brutally honest and sometimes harsh, but I usually mean what I say the first time I say it. And every argument is warranted, so I'm not just making stuff up to get attention.

He also has a hard time accepting the fact that I will not likely carry on whatever "family traditions" he assumes I will take part in. He told me he wants my boyfriend to follow the tradition of laying out his intentions with me. He said (and I quote) "He needs to grow some balls and come talk to me if he intends to spend his future with you." First of all, how am I to influence this interaction? I said "What, am I supposed to say 'hey Joey- grow a pair and talk to my dad about me'?" I yelled at him again. How is Joey to know of my "family traditions" when A) they aren't exactly apparent at our every-now-and-then family get-togethers, and B) they don't exist at all! And another thing, after knowing me for so long why would he assume that I would continue ANY tradition when I've tried so hard to steer away from all of them? And how is his anger warranted if I say I don't want to carry a tradition? Another thing, how does my dad know that Joey doesn't have his own traditions he wants to carry on? I just kinda think it's selfish to expect something from someone if they don't even know to give anything.

Ugh. I guess that's enough for today.