just need to vent a little.. nothing too important.

i was unable to sleep last night, and i still can't figure out why. i'm not particularly stressed.. i HAVE been working a lot, but it's nothing i can't handle or haven't handled in the past. i was planning on going to my work xmas party, but was convinced at the last minute to go to one of joey's friend's 21st birthday parties at this bar in clifton. he also convinced me to drive on the condition that he paid me $10 for gas, which he handed over readily. i figured the friendly get-together would be a little more fun than the work get-together, but it actually was about what i expected.. a bunch of me standing around looking at people i don't know and hoping no hot chick hits on my boyfriend. i'm 16 again.... even though i never hung out in bars when i was 16. i just get insecure at the dumbest moments and it makes me feel really stupid when the moments are over. we got to the bar and i had to leave shortly thereafter because i have to work at 4:30am up in dayton, which means i have to wake up in about 3.5 hours from now. did i mention i didn't sleep last night either? great. 3.5 hours of sleep in a two-day period. i'm going to be buckets of sunshine tomorrow... at least i get to go to my job were i don't talk to anyone and i can be grumpy to myself. ugh... grumpy sundays. at least i don't have to work at skyline until 3 on monday (i'm working as a shift manager again.. whoopty do). so i can go home tomorrow when i get home and sleep. and it will be ok because joey has to work at 3. i get home.. we chil for about an hour, then we go our separate ways. this is how our schedules have been working out, and i can't say that i like it very much. i told my new boss at skyline hat i would like to work evenings because i knew joey worked evenings. well, NOW that i'm getting evening shifts, joey has been getting morning shifts. we have been seeing bits and pieces of each other throughout the weeks and get maybe one day of extended hanging-out time together. today was one of those days, only this one i ended by myself while he gets to hang out and drink with his buddies downtown. so yea-- i told him that if he wanted to stay he would have to get a ride home from his buddy's girlfriend. i didn't really want him to do it, but i gave the option to him and he took it. i'm sad about that... and it's only because he convinced me to go.. he convinced me to drive.. and i don't even get to have a good time. i did the dishes today and cooked dinner. i feel slightly taken advantage of and it's going to drive me a little crazy if i don't get it off my chest.. did i mention i have to go to sleep now? i'm just not so sure how possible it will be. damn i hope i fall asleep quickly.. i can't stand another night of tossing and turning. i just feel lonely when i have to go to bed by myself. when he's not here i worry about him and think of the worst possible scenarios. like i said, i get insecure at the dumbest moments.. right before bed is not a great moment to feel insecure.

amanda called me today to tell me how much she hates xmas...i laughed at her message. i didn't call her back though, because i was in the middle of xmas shopping and didn't want to spoil the mood about how much i, too, hate xmas. yes, i celebrate it with my family... but the only reason i do is because it's the only sad time of year i get to see everyone i never get to see any other time of the year. so i take it. and so what i have to do a dumb little gift exchange.. it's something to talk about and it's a family activity that most everyone can enjoy, no matter how dumb it is. i mean, you're all drunk and sedated from all the food and what the hell? let's decorate a bunch of shit and act surprised by stupid gifting. it's about the only sport i am a little good at.. i've definitely toned it down over the years, and i'm not sure how much i will maintain the tradition. considering i AM an atheist, and it IS a holiday based on a religion. but my family loves it, and i love my family. so i do what i can to be a part of it. i like cookies too much anyway.... and food. i need to go to sleep.